I'm forcing myself to write (right now) because I feel like this is the only way I can successfully reflect on my emotions in past or present time, and be able to really evaluate them so I can change.
Everything in me is heavy and broken. I have so much burdening my spirit and heart that I am seen as a horrible person on the inside with no control over her impulses to react in anger and impatience. I am bitter, condescending and judgmental. I have so many problems in me it's really staggering and I've internalised them for so long, I don't know what to do with them. They've all become so common to me I've never really stopped and thought about them. This past couple months I've become aware of almost every sin I hold that I need to let go of. Some of them I've been bound to for several years. There has never been a full recovery of these. I've been known to be impatient, intolerant and judgmental since I was almost a preteen. I treat my sister like garbage half the time and I haven't told my dad I love him in sincerity in years.. it's always a mumble, suppressed by fear and uncertainty. I've never known why I feel like I have to shield my love for everyone, especially the ones closest to me. I feel like I need to have a tough exterior (this was built by me when I was younger) and so openly telling people I love them to their face is a near impossibility for me. How sad! Not without going red in the face and looking at the floor and mumbling can I tell my own parents I love them. This should sicken me far more than it does, but I suppose I should be preparing for my upcoming confession within the next week, I hope. I really have no idea how this is possibly going to change for me, since it is all that I am used to. I've literally never fully recovered from any of these sins I've held on to for basically my whole life-- I've certainly felt awful about them, cried about it, heard countless lectures and pleadings from my mother and father to change, when is enough!??! Do I really need a divine intervention for me to truly cease this ruthless person in me? I honestly can't understand why it's so impossible for me to stop doing what I'm doing. If it's really as simple as starting to apologize, taking a step up, shedding my fears and anxieties and changing every day, then I must be the biggest epic fail to walk the planet. I'm a horrible christian, by the grace of God and his near boundless patience I will recover from these hideous baggages of my soul. Ahghgh. I've caused so much hurt. I need to stop. I'm too bound up. I need deliverance. And I have no idea how far I'll have to go to get it.
But one day I wanna know for a fact that I'm saved from it
and those feelings and behaviours will never have domain over me again
I need that to clear my head
My heart is so heavy, where is the light burden of which you speak of?
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