i wish i had the backbone to own up to what ive been doing for so many years.

i wish i had the strength to fix everything by one conversation.

i wish i was not so weak as to cower back and hope i can fix everything by baby steps in the right direction.

i wish it was so easy for everything to be remedied.

i wish i wasn't such a failure.

i wish i had never molded myself into this wretched mindset that has not left me alone but grown after so many years.

i wish i had strength.

i wish i didn't have to do this alone.

but i know it's all my fault, so unfortunately, this is what i am faced with.

i just don't want to do it alone.

i'm so alone.

Un.be.lievable.

how is it that until now, i had NO vision of what i really looked like in such situations? how is it i had NO, absolutely NO understanding of my erratic behaviour? HOW HOW HOW? why now? why now when so much is so deeply embedded in everyone's impressions? how has obliviousness been so enormous in its impact on my brain? HOW HOW HOW HOW HOW HOW???

i dont get it . there are many things i dont get but this is probably the biggest one. how does it unveil only now? some odd ten years later? how?

seriously

i UNDERSTAND how ive been for many years now. recently ive had countless epiphanies and realizations about it. i never knew how bad it was before. I GET IT NOW.

but for some reason you're all making it much harder for me to turn around than it should be.

WHY? am i literally THE LEAST understood person on the earth? not even my frickin mother understands my thoughts. or why i do the things i do. or even something as simple as undergoing a change of thought but an inability to do anything about it with effortless ease.

PEOPLE ARE RIDICULOUS. even my family has let me down.

anyone i know could write a BOOK about someone they know, come to their defense no matter what the issue, explaining exactly why they're doing the things they're doing even if they aren't around. no one knows whats going on inside my head and they all think i'm a lot colder than i am. it's bull shit. NO ONE GETS ME.

UGHHHH SOOOOOOOO BEYOND FRUSTRATED!

i have prayed over this like, why would you suggest that to me? DONT PATRONIZE ME DAMNN i know a hell of a lot better than you think! im so fed up with this shit

ya i never wanted it to end up this way but if im mad, dont expect me to speak calmly, expect me to release my feelings in verbal communication the best i know how, which is not very well, because THAT is how I WAS MADE. to communicate through WRITING and ART. am i going to write on a notepad or paint for our conversations? i dont think so.

this is so stupid and just ugh fuck you all for giving me this shit all the time

pissed as hell

discipline and truth and positivity

thats what im made up of

i guess it's a rare commodity nowadays eh? just trying to be that figure in my friends lives.... to the best i know how. im only looking out for you. i cant help it. but you need to realize what you're doing isn't good. ahakghdjhkjgsh

O_O jeeze louise

calm down bro!

yiikessss

bitches gonna bitch

how could you have made a mistake like that anyway? who writes something where a mistake is BOUND to happen? uggh

i may hate this part of you more than anything, but for the first time today i realized i should become more like her, and not you.

that way it will be only you who is ill tempered, and no one to blame, and you will not get away with it.

i am now waiting on you to apologize. i most certainly will not treat you with respect until you do. foolish bastard. learn something. be a man. you're an immature little boy with no self control. and that's what you've made me (cept a girl).

i blame you for this fault of mine, it is my biggest one.

its your fault.

now change it. take it back. i hate this part of you and what its done to me and all of us. i hate it. i resent you so much its ridiculous. if i had a choice in the matter, i'm sure i'd pick another father over you anyday.

Some fucking role model.

I hate when you get like this, you bastard.

And you even wonder why I'm like this.

It's your fault. ALL your fault.

You haven't even tried to change for us.

I'm trying to make you into a BETTER PERSON! Anyone with any sense or reason would see so in a heart beat, and equally understand why it needs to be done.

Just calm the fuck down. CALM. THE. FUCK. DOWN. You have ruined me. You have ruined us. It's your gene pool. It's your shitty attitude and "unchangeable" personality.

Change. Or Get the fuck out.

broads

lolll

did you really just psuedo-respond to my tweet?

dumb bitch

gtfo

i meant what i said

goddamn my family is so annoying sometimes

they can go suck a dick

i won't stand here and be blamed for every last thing that happens around here

it's bullshit

i won't take it lying down

it's not fair. so fuck off!

WOW I come off like such an arrogant a-hole in many of my past posts. Forgive me, any readers. I'm moving away from many wrong habits/states of mind.

Sorry for taking up news feed space. I can't type in the main text box on my iPod for some reason.

...people I'd allow entrance to such a valuable, private, complex haven that is my mind & heart. Please try to understand. I'll try to change.

I just wish you could all see into my head, and truly understand my thoughts and emotions, so maybe you wouldn't resent me so much. You're the only...

this hurts me too. I wish I could write to you to explain my feelings instead of talking, where I fail, as you know. I am sorry. I will apologize.

be gone. I never got it till now. I never understood. I could NEVER see myself under a clear light until now. Why? God knows. but I'm horribly sorry.

lame

I have felt a very strong and undeniable attraction towards you since the first time I met you. In all honesty, it has really never left me. Though it may have gone dormat for months on end if we hadn't seen each other for that long, whenever we hung out again it would come back, seeping through my veins and causing my heart to slowly start beating that irregular way. You have invaded my thoughts for many, many nights and days and to this day you're still there, cooped up in your long term post. Why you strike me as the perfect person, could be very easy to say. Undoubtedly the most attractive person in my county, and any person I know of who knows you, girl or guy, would agree in a heartbeat. You have a magnetic personality as well, and are wonderful to your friends. Your interests being artistic and musical are also strongly appealing for me. Yet when I put myself in the vision of elevating our relationship to something more, I feel that instinctive rearing away.

In all honesty, dating you would probably be the best thing ever. I would have bragging rights for life, if they really mattered. I would treasure every moment with you. Heck, even if you liked me more than a friend I would be doing backflips. But something doesn't fit there. We don't fit. We could never date because it would form us--at least me--into something unnatural. I would grow and evolve a part of myself that would not be me. And what would be the point of that?

I'm sorry for being so hopelessly attracted to you for all these years, when you've returned the feeling once, as far as I'm aware. I really hope for my sake I stop and move on for good, so this doesn't have to bother me anymore. You becoming closer with one of my very good friends is exciting, but somewhat hurting, because of all this. My head is full of nonsense in this respect, simply because as much as I may be attracted to you, or you me at some point, we would never work out. And I seek ultimate perfection in a relationship and partner.

Sometimes my standards may seem unrealistically high, but I feel it is best that way. That way, I won't be let down. My husband is out there somewhere and he will blow me away... Dear hubb, please find me soon. I can wait. :)