the picture

in my headline
doesn't seem to want to conform to the surrounding frames that enclose the title of my blog

DARN IT!

-sof

Weighed down

There Are Times

when i feel happy with myself 100%
and when i think i'm one of the lamest people in existance
when i feel like i'm pretty
and when i feel like the ugliest creature alive
when i feel useful
appreciated
wanted
loved
alive
and when i feel useless, uncared for, indifferent and dead.

times when i'm on fire for God and the life he's given me
and times where i've just really forgotten about it for a while.
forgotten about my saviour and feeling influenced by him every day of my life.

times where i get sort of into a spiritual Funk.
hm.

where i really don't think i'm worth anything.
no one's time, no one's love.
just taking up space.


i have a love now and i praise God for it but it worries me so much that they wouldn't love me near as much as i love them.

which is actually, usually always the case in how i feel about people.

i truly think i care about the people in my life more than they do about me.

i suppose this is a Time where i feel like i'm not really worth much.
a phase, a stage, maybe just an off-day or couple of days.

where i really don't care about myself and what i can offer the world or at least the community around me
selfish, yet indifferent.

why am i still writing?
i'm not making any sense.
and i doubt anyone is reading these either.

ah, what not talking to you does to me!!
sheesh.

my eyes are heavy.

-sof

everytime i go

to write
or doodle something
the first thing that my hand forms is the phrase 'thank you'.
this happens nearly every day

i don't deserve half the things i receive.

i don't get it.
but i love it.

alas i say

thank you, thank you, thank you...

-sof

you are the sky

and anchor of my being

Stone.

i am so. so inadequate.
i am nothing, i am so far from where i should be.

i don't love the people i have to love the most.
the ones that will love me more than any person i encounter in my life.

maybe this was something i needed.
this was a slap in the face that was long overdue.

there is such a change that needs to happen.
i am selfish, self-serving and addicted to dominating instead of letting the people who are SUPPOSED to be dominating do their job. i think i own them. i think i can have them do whatever i want, exactly how it fits my schedule, whenever the time calls for it.

i am admitting to the darkest part of my soul and i am bringing it to the light.
my whole life i've known there was something huge blocking my path to leading the most blessed life i could have. though it is still blessed, i have been missing out on the most important factor in receiving God's best insight and blessing.

no peace in the home, i do not get anywhere.
i am beginning to think certain things i have thought were helpful were of no use to me at all.

my heart is hardened towards the most important people in my life.
i am praying earnestly and sincerely to God that he removes this boulder from my path and my mind so that i can go on living normally. peacefully. LOVINGLY.
and all good will follow.

this is a heart of stone.
i have little but enough hope that it will in due time soften.

God provides.
i'm picking up the phone.

-sof

the parable of the sower

While a large crowd was gathering and people were coming to Jesus from town after town, he told this parable: "A farmer went out to sow his seed. As he was scattering the seed, some fell along the path; it was trampled on, and the birds of the air ate it up. Some fell on rock, and when it came up, the plants withered because they had no moisture. Other seed fell among thorns, which grew up with it and choked the plants. Still other seed fell on good soil. It came up and yielded a crop, a hundred times more than was sown." When he said this, he called out, "He who has ears to hear, let him hear."
His disciples asked him what this parable meant. He said, "The knowledge of the secrets of the kingdom of God has been given to you, but to others I speak in parables, so that, "'though seeing, they may not see; though hearing, they may not understand.'
"This is the meaning of the parable: The seed is the word of God. Those along the path are the ones who hear, and then the devil comes and takes away the word from their hearts, so that they may not believe and be saved. Those on the rock are the ones who receive the word with joy when they hear it, but they have no root. They believe for a while, but in the time of testing they fall away. The seed that fell among thorns stands for those who hear, but as they go on their way they are choked by life's worries, riches and pleasures, and they do not mature. But the seed on good soil stands for those with a noble and good heart, who hear the word, retain it, and by persevering produce a crop."

-Luke 8:4-15

I had to put this up because a lot of this scripture pertains to a lot of people in my life as of late and what has happened upon them hearing the word of God.
I will not be the seed in the thorns or the concrete path or the rock. I have fallen on the good soil and this will not be changed or proven otherwise. My faith continues to grow unmovable!

stay faithful and true always!
and you will reap a good crop!

-sof

favourite bands

as of this very moment in time:

thrice (4life)
copeland
the everett

BEAUTIFUL music. I love each and every one of these bands' songs because they are so meaningful and timeless and you can feel the passion and love these people put into their music.
if my plan in life by God is set out to be somewhere in music (which I don't know if it will be or not but I'll still trust it's amazing, whatever it is), then I hope to make as precious music as these groups because they are appreciated by so many people.

as a side note, I AM THE VINE is pretty much the most ridiculous band in Windsor, and though they're gettin hatemail left and right nowadays, I cannot wait til they make it and we are all countin down the days til they're on solid state!

i love my life!

-sof

childlike faith

I remember growing up, maybe in grade one two or three, when I first started learning about the Bible when my mom used to read me children's tales before bed. I would be so fascinated by these stories and around Christmas time I was in my sunday school play as Mary in the story of Jesus' birth we performed in our church. I remember the kind of attention I'd pay when my mama would reply to all my questions about Jesus and who he was.

I remember first reading the Bible (actually it was the book of Revelations) and crying myself to sleep in my mama's arms after reading what Jesus was gonna do when he was gonna come back to earth. Heck I think that was the first time I learned that he WAS actually gonna come back to earth! I remember being so frightened, so paralyzed with terror before God that I swore to myself never to disobey him or stray from him during my life and I would go to church every Sunday and fast and pray and have communion whenever I could. I cried and cried and begged God not to throw me in the lake of fire and that I wouldn't be rained on by blood (I took the moon turning to blood quite literally).

this was how I lived my life from when I was seven years old till I was 14.

if only I could go back and attain the faith I had as a child.

It was so pure, so true, so fearful of the Lord that I truly don't believe anyone else at any older age can quite compare to the faith you possess as a small child of God.

Children were MADE to believe in Jesus.

Look at how they fear their parents when they're told to go to their rooms after being mean to their younger sibling. The kind of obeidience and purity of heart and mind is unmatchable.

I can't wait to teach my children about Jesus so I can see the truth shining in their eyes the way my mama saw it in mine.

-sof

ask and you shall recieve

i guess i can now confidently say that there is some hefty amount of truth in that statement!

almost a year ago when i was finally reborn in the Truth (mind you I was raised christian, my whole childhood I believed and feared God, but at the age of 15 i went through some stupid stage where i drank and smoked and crap, terrible time...), I lost about 20 friends within the first week I came to Jesus. not that it bothered me at all; in fact, I was so glad i dumped all these crappy people from my life it felt great to leave behind such bad influences that destroyed who I was raised to be. (lifelong props to mama and tut [da rents] for makin me live my life for the most high God!)

anyways, pretty much ever since then i've been praying for a wave of new, Christian friends who shared my dreams and passions and hunger for truth and the Spirit like I do. and over the span of this year, it has been amazing how many awesome brothers and sisters in Christ I've met!!!
honestly the vast majority of my best and good friends I have today are some of the most faithful, loving people I've ever had the pleasure of being friends with. I am soo thankful for this because without them I wouldn't have this amazing rush in my spiritual life to keep growing and hungering after God with the determination I have never experienced before in my life.

I thank Jesus for hearing my cries for community and companionship and involvement and I have never been quite this happy in all my teen years.

the future...it's blinding!

-sof

happypants!

i've been having the craziest life lately
everything is so good
obeying God really does have the most amazing benefits
i can't wait for my life to get even more exciting in the next year!

i'm blessed!

-sof

if you have doubts.

"Heaven is full of people whom God created and loves.

Hell is full of people whom God created and loves.

Where you end up is based on your decision on how you live your life.
If you live it for God and serve the world when it asks of you, or even when it doesn't,
if you feed the poor and clothe the naked and welcome the desolate,
Heaven is your kingdom.
If you live it for yourself and serve your wants and needs and refuse the cries for food or clothes or shelter from those who are poor,
Hell is your prison."
-Rob Bell, Velvet Elvis

*I couldn't remember all that was said in this passage, only the first two sentences, I just added on to the jist of what he was talking about. They more than likely are far off from his exact words.*

Let it sink in.
He is near.
He is drawing near to you.
Will you accept his love?
Will you run to his open arms?

where you end up after all this is over
was up to you, and how you lived your life.
the decision is on your shoulders.
God usually doesn't drop down in the middle of your path and reveal himself to you,
so do with freewill what you will.

-sof

a long while

since i've written here, i'm not sure why, i've had some spare time, yet used it for facebook or texting or something.

anyways, lately i've been growing at a wonderfully exciting rate, it's very thrilling,
today is a very happy day for me and i haven't had one of those in a while, so i'm soaking up the adrenaline as much as i can.

however today brought very saddening news... a friend of mine came out and caused a mass amount of heartbreak and slanderous messages from other people directed towards a group of my friends.
i didn't even know how to react when i heard the news.
i'm obviously not going to go into detail on here, but if you know me well, you would probably know.

the time has come for unceasing prayer in these times. it has been prophesied for years that there would be a great falling away from God, and though I have always believed this to be true, it hasn't actually happened to someone so dear in my life. I fully come to acknowledge this as being truth in its purest form, and as devastating as it is, as a follower of Christ i cannot accommodate the Word of God to suit a friend. the truth is set plainly and clearly in front of us, and if someone were to willingly continue on with their deeds, while still professing to love God, it is truly heart breaking.

the hypocrisy of self-proclaimed believers is a lot to bear, and the loss of a dear friend is adding salt to the wound,
but nonetheless I will remain faithful to my God and trust that he will bring my friend back to the road of joy and glory.
i love my friend no matter what and Christ will too.
all that remains is the hope and prayers of the rest of us who believe that there will be good that comes out of all this.

persecution hurts me still, no matter who it's directed to, me or a friend.
but my one friend David said 'we are loving the hate mail',
which basically is saying, 'we are loving the hate'.
it's amazing how strong him and his friends are, i strive so much to be like them, to love my enemies and bless all hate coming towards me, as well as false accusations.
it is all part of the growing process, and maturity in Christ will come in due time.

i can't wait to throw out these milk bottles and get my hands on some solid meat.

be blessed, stay true.

-sof