Weird

Am I the only one that gets next to no recognition for my biggest passions and talents?
People fawn themselves to death over musicians around here, but no one cares about the written work. No one wants to read a story or piece of poetry. No one has the patience or appreciation. Haven't I been blessed? I know I'm healing myself and glorifying God through my honed talents and crafts, but shouldn't other people be aware of that? Shouldn't they admire my work which I know is pretty decent? I'm looking to bring back purity and imaginative havens to the literary world, the least people can do is give me an encouraging word.

Alas, I'm alone in something, again. Please, God, let me find some poetic friends that can shape my life to come. Help me change some peoples' lives and minds and just give them something to smile about. How my words can direct their minds toward You, however much they may not be aware. Please. My art is healing.

What I want.

In a..husband I guess.

The time where I'm just getting to know him namely.

This is for my personal records...just for fun/what I've come to know I like most. And what i don't like. This has taken me a very long time to understand fully.

-I want a fun man who is a party animal and loved by everyone he meets/knows. A very extroverted guy, very sociable and genuine. Therefore, he can help me overcome my incredibly introverted and awkwardly social nature, because his mannerisms will rub off on me. This is something I need IMMENSELY, and I just can't learn to copy outgoing people well enough aha.

-I want him to have most if not all of the same most important beliefs I do. This includes faith, first and foremost--I would love it if he happened to be Orthodox of some kind, Serbian ideally. He must be an avid meat eater and family guy! Lots of cousins and most respect for his family above his friends. But a lot of friends helps too, as said above.

-Smart! In ways that I am not completely familiar with, i.e building things, idk science things, engineering or what have you... if he's super educated and skilled in areas I'm not then that would be fantastic. I would love to be with someone who can TEACH ME STUFF! I want to learn about everything so this would be perfect :)

..Although somewhat of an affinity for art would be good, after all.... :)

-Loves to do random hilarious spontaenous stuff that always brings a good time! This could mean anything classified as a good time :P If he gets along with my uncles/ boy cousins in this respect then I couldn't be happier. I want him and my family to be best pals and that includes having a righteous sense of humour--where they LOVE to embarrass us all by doing silly things.

-If he has a bunch of guy cousins grouped with my guy cousins and suddenly they become best friends that means our family will NEVER have a dull moment...as if it doesn't already.. but I just want constant fun and games :)

-This means he has to have a great inner child! And gets along famously with all my little cousins ! the classic pranking dude runs in my family so it would be great if he was too:P

-Now to sound shallow...I would love this guy to be drop dead gorgeous. Like known by most of the population to be undeniably hot. Beautiful smile, great dark hair and eyes, tanned, excellent facial hair and tall! Everyone in my family is goodlooking and we intend to keep it that way :)

-He needs to be a strongggg dude.. like not body builder-esque *barf* but strong. Lean, wired. Idk. All I need is for him to lift a bunch of kids at once at parties andddd be able to lay out anyone who tried to mess with me or his fam or loved ones. That would be fantasticcccc.

-Ok now for what I don't want...an awkward shy dude, like me. Ahah cept i'm not a dude. But seriously I hate to have to plague him with my social ineptness, but hopefully he'll look past it and most importantly help me overcome it without trying. Just being around him will help me adopt his mannerisms and behaviours around people :) I just wanna talk effortlessly and genuinely!

-A smoker...just please dont be a smoker! Cigars at special occassions is totally fine but as for cigarettes it's just not good.

-Easily angered or a very bad temper like my dad. I got it from him but i don't want to become him especially not to my kids so if he was patient that would mean the world.

-Not culturally active..this guy has to know where he comes from and is proud of it!!! If he's Euro which he had bettahhhh be then he's up for dancing, kolo-ing, partying drinking singing etc. the whole shabang! I forgot to mention that earlier also... he's gotta be a good drinker. I don't trust a man who doesn't drink. :)

-Uhhhmmm wow i think that's all I can think of at this point. This is whats most important to me. As far as him treating me, well, he'll know how. I just know it. I just want him to surprise me. I won't lay out a big list of retarded specificities of how he is to act towards me every day. A gentlemen, who I am looking for, will know all these things by second nature. He will treat me like his mother :). .... cept differently a bit obvs.

I guess I'm just looking for the polar opposite person of me socially, but the same culturally/religiously.

Here's hopin, man. Hope to meet you... soon: )

well this is weird

ugh. what. ??? i thought we were done with this. i thought i wouldn't have to worry about this again. i guess not. i guess you're still attached to me. not that i mind, but given the circumstances, i'm not sure why you still are... and why you are making this so strained. don't you know what it'll be like the next time we meet? i may be seeking the attention of others, and as much as i don't want to hurt you, i want you to stop hurting yourself by trying to pursue me. i need a great deal of time to invest thought and emotion into things where i am not the initiator.

alas, what is my life?

Oh goodness

Having the worst feeling ever right now. I'm usually a pretty chill, relaxed and take-it-in-stride kinda person, not really fearing over business of school things, but right now I'm stressed to the max. My stomach is turning over and i feel sick. It could be that I began PMSing today but ehh that whole thing could have been brought on by my stress too. I had a brief anxiety attack in the bathroom and attacked my face again like I knew I shouldn't have, but I did it. It was doing so well. Ugh another week of healing... I've been reading up on bio for a while now, since my second (and last) midterm is on tuesday, and I want to do really well on it. A 73 on the first midterm was alright, I was content at the least, but I'd really like to do better on this one cause it's worth 5% more than the first one. That, and scansion is due on wednesday, and confident as i am for that portion (it's cake really), the analysis will require some work on my brain. I may melt down for that one too, who knows. All I know is that once I hand in that midterm I will sleep a little better, and that night I'll be finishing my analysis anyways, so it will all be done, and the worst week of university will be pretty much over. That will be such a good night. Only two sleeps to go... ugh I will probably die. I feel like God has left me. What happened today? I'm such a terrible sibling a lot of the time. I don't know HOW i'll learn to be kinder and more respectful. I want it to happen though, so bad. I think I'm just looking for the easy way out, and for it to be handed to me instead of me working hard for it to happen.

I hate this so much.

What have I surrounded myself with that has given me such thought processes and dreams and feelings and sickness and action?
I am horrible. I need purging. Legitimately. I will focus on this and achieve a purer mind. I need one. now.

Goodness gracious what has my life become?

Also

I swear to God I'm not that shallow.

I know it seems from my previous posts that I'm only interested in someone for being good looking, but it's far from the truth.

I'll readily admit, being attractive is a huge and crucial part of me liking someone, HOWEVER, it does NOT end there. I love smart men. I love men who share so many interests with me, i.e. music taste, TV taste, faith systems, ideals, and ESPECIALLY sense of humour. If I can make you laugh, and you meet one or more of the criteria up there (depending on which they are), you've probably already got my heart. You gotta be incredibly keen on your joke makin' as well, and also your rhetoric and slang vernacular mixed with ordinary day by day speech. I love a man who can smooth talk.

Hmmmm that's all. Trying to rid my head of this mess I guess.
Early bedtime tonight, then school at 10am, home around 1:30pm, off to the costume store perhaps, then homework all day.
I really want to stay focused on my reading, especially with this stupid 3-4 page essay that's due Thursday. GREAT.

Semester two cannot come faster.
Or, december 16th, at least.

Whatta babe

I can't even get over how good looking you are.

I really wanna hangout...and we have so much in common, and we already seem to hit it off so well... I dunno, maybe I'm the only one in this outfit feeling this way.

But it'd be nice if you pursued.

So nice.

Gosh Dangit

I just want you to talk to me
pwease?

GAHH YOURE TOO ATTRACTIVEE

Confession:

I think you are the cutest thing in the world.

HELP ME

This is the busiest week (and next week as well) of university that I have had to deal with so far.

Ohh gooosh

I have an essay, some FAW work, a SHIT TON of reading, two (easy) midterms next week, a play to see for my critique due in a couple weeks, a scansion analysis due in three weeks, more reading, more random projects I bet, a bio assignment, and the second bio midterm in like three weeks, -_-

I love all old school things.

They make me feel SOOOOOOOOO happy.

I love everything from the 1900-50's and the 80's were jive as hell too. All of the stuff that went on in those eras do something to make my heart soar. It's so wonderful and I really wish I had been alive back then. There is no comparison to the crappy awful world we live in now. I mean there are some awesome aspects of Western culture during the nearly two decades I have been living, and I will treaasure them and appreciate them greatly as I get older, but there is nooooo replacement for the golden ages that my grandparents grew up in. I love elderly folk. They are so kind and benevolent and friendly to everyone, strangers especially, it's like they're still stuck in the 40's and 50's, giving exact change, going out for coffee and buying the newspaper, reading it faithfully, having chats with their old friends for 30+ years, ohh goodness I can't even express how adorable that whole generation is to me. I am going to miss them so much when they die out. They don't make good hearts and hardworking, friendly, right-minded people like that anymore. I am truly sad about this!!!!!! I pray that I end up in a wonderful place where I can raise my family to reflect the days of old and no new-age nonsense corrupting their beautiful minds, and perhaps make way for better days to come. I want to make the elders proud. I respect them so much and I hope that some more people in this world besides me feel the same way, and want to carry on their lifestyle to the foreboding and dreadful future. Ohhhhhhhhhhhh my gosh. Such quality back in the day! How I wish I was born back then! :(

Oh well, reasons for everything.
I love what I love and that I have been given the love for it to begin with. God, You do good things to my heart. Thank You.

Now off to watch a bit more Brer Rabbit/Fox/Bear clips before I go to bed. Tomorrow will consist of running, if it's nice out, reading my big long early british lit reading (The Second Play of the Shepherds), finishing Jersey Shore season 2 and showering. Yayyyy a productive day till the very end! I enjoyed this weekend, minus one part, but mistakes happen to the best of us.

I will grow up and be so proud of myself. My mind is a wonderful place sometimes, because He resides in it, and has given me a lot to love and a lot to learn from. (: (:

Retain and regrow

I am learning many new things these days.

I am holding on to them, and letting go of all that has deterred me from becoming my best.

I am learning who my best person can be and discovering how to finally grow out of all my worst habits that have prevented me from succeeding in a number of aspects in life.

It is very refreshing and exciting.

And some other weird things are happening that I'm not sure what to think about. I don't know what title to give them or what category to place them in, but it is a difference in the world I live in that I am happy to have.


My heart jumps around a little as I reflect on all of this.

I have been turning to greatly important things now, as a lot of crappy factors have been bringing me down lately. The prioritizing shift has had immensely positive effects, and I could not be more grateful.

God has not let me down with this hopelessness and feeling like I have been betrayed by all people I have invested so much love and emotion in. My family has come first after Him, and they are like my own saints. I am very blessed to have them upholding me no matter how I feel.

I'm being strengthened.

Though I'm confused as to why I can be so on fire for months, or years at a time, and then the fire can go away. I want it to stay, and I think as I'm reaching the age that most people like me discover who they really are, and what mode of living really makes sense for them, it will become easier for me to stay aflame.

This is very, very, very good.

Woohhhh my life is so much different. Already hanging out with people I FEEL the difference in my walk, energy, and attitude in social settings. It's craziness what a month and a half in a completely new environment (that you were born to thrive in) can do to your mind, heart and soul. It's great.

I'm on my way to a great adventure; I think I've begun it already.

Goodnight, and I will give praises to the One who has harvested these wonderful experiences and people in my life. Let this be the beginning of who I really am, growing to be manifested to my fullest brilliance.

Idiots.

all idiots, looking at the facts and knowledge of life's small, insignificant details and not the big picture. i will not bend and break to succumb to your ideals of living. you don't understand and i doubt you will because you do not listen to those wiser than you. only those who share your ideals and are further 'advanced' in learning about them. you are arrogant and ignorant all at once, while you think you are being the complete opposite. i have no respect for these outlooks on life. learn something about the big picture and what life is really about, and what should be respected and appreciated, and then get back to me.

fools.

To Do 09/30/10

-Get G2 (omg friday hahjrgkshgaklgtiouT)
-Park well enough to be super confident (this should go before #1, but whatever)
-Get drama hoodie
-Read Sir Gawain and the Green Knight (KILL ME)
-Tutor annie in english homework this weekend
-Do Writing about Lit summary assignment
-Get Ray Bans set up
-Get Ray Bans in
-Doctors appointment
-Get bloodwork
-Get heart checkup
-ADD official testing session?
-Do FAW I writing assignment #1
-Do FAW I writing assignment #2
-Do SOME reading for FAW, for my writing assignments at least, ahahahhaa
-Finish/hand in A Midsummer Night's Dream critique
-Chaucer: The general prologue reading
-read Tao of Pooh
-The rest of the Chaucer readings :(
-Nature of Theatre chapter 3
-Bio ch.3 notes/slides
-Explication paper for Writing about Lit
-Bio midterm studying
-Bio midterm
-Read The tempest
-Thesis explication paper for Writing About Lit
-Early Brit Readings for next week
-Type out Brit notes
-Finish all definitions
-Do FAW writing assignment
-Read all stories in Lit book ch. 4

Ohh THATS why!

its cause you're majoring in worldly fields like philosophy and psych.
the mindset of the critic has completely made itself at home in you now.

and now you're living it out and i doubt you will ever take someone's word for something with all your heart ever again.
what a sad life!

ive only met one person who delved deep into the studies of philosophy and maintained his great faith and uncorrupted worldview, and he is a very blessed and very wise/knowleadgable friend of mine. ive had the great pleasure of talking with him over a great deal of relevant subjects in the past year or two and i can say that with full sincerity. he is very blessed indeed!

wow...
Writing is my sanctuary.

realllyyyy now?

whats up with people. WHAT IS UP WITH THEM.
i had no idea i was the "so-easily-misunderstood/misconstrued" type.
but apparently its all i can offer people... HOW?!
i do NOTHING to invoke certain implications on people. whyyy do they arrive at such outlandish conclusions?!
ughh ughguhughughghuhg.

i guess these are the downsides of being pure at heart... you act in all your ways with no corrupt, provoking or self-serving motives, and people mistake them for being just that.
my intents could not be more innocent.
i guess the world isn't the right place for me.

I GOT MY G2 TODAY

YAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY

Apparent

At first I wasn't sure. I felt sad and empathetic towards the whole idea, even though you were under no impression of my thoughts and inner turmoil. I had thrown the idea around in my head for a very short time, as this whole aspect of my life has been surfacing exteremely rapidly over the past few weeks. So I talked to God about it and I asked Him what should be done, and how I knew I felt so brought down by your words and your presence, and considered how much fun I have with the other people I love when you aren't there. I still felt bad about this and I do love you, so for a night I let it sit that I was still confused and needed some time to gain clarity on the whole issue.

No more than 24 hours later, it's become more and more obvious to me that you need to leave.

My life and brain and mind and heart and even my soul are being weighed down and worn out by you being here... EVERYWHERE! Its like you wont leave me alone! You're everywhere I am and when I want to go somewhere without you, it's futile because I know you'll be there too. It seems as though I'm becoming antisocial to all my friends, when really it's just me doing everything I can to avoid YOU. Your negativity is heinous, I cannot understand how you work and I doubt I will in this period of my life. There are so many inconsistencies with your personality, who you portray yourself to be, how you live, and who you are when you are completely and utterly alone.
I can't see any common ground and this unsettles me.
You unsettle me.

How does this make you feel? I try and give you as much insight as I can to your reality, granted I can be a bit brutish with my words and overly disapproving, but I can't have this anymore, I can't have you everywhere I am anymore, and I'm sorry it's come to this. I'm sorry for making my life so dependent on yours. I'm sorry for following you around everywhere and even reconsidering a lot of things about my own passions because they were so influenced by yours. I'm sorry I was and still am so weak. But now, I am becoming stronger. I am seeing that you are the biggest threat and downfall in my life, and I need you out. You need to go away. I need new friends. I need a LOT of new friends, that make me laugh and cry and whom I can act completely myself around... but most importantly... people I would never feel impulsed to change for. My future, my dreams, and nobody would ruin my day because of their shitty attitude.

I think enough's enough. I can't wait for healthy change to come my way--- I know there's lots of it, this season is crazy. Its going to get even crazier too. You've been alot of fun kid, we've had some incredibly fun and awesome times together, but now its come to an end, and I've outgrown you.

I can't wait. It'll be wonderful, and you'll be gone, and I'll be happy, and free.

Goodness.

So I've been hit with a ton of academic passions and interests during my first couple weeks at the U.
I've been pondering a great many things consequently.
Here's a list of all the things I mull over about a hundred times a day:

-Next year: Majoring only in English?
-Next year: Staying as an English/Drama double major?
-Minoring in Drama?? (subsequent of Option #1)?
-Minoring in History?? (which I loved ever since grade 12 with ma bby cornies)?
-Minoring in Biology??! (SHOCKER. I KNOWW. But i am feeling this weird pull and attraction towards it for some reason. Maybe its a phase. I dont even knoww.)???
-Minoring in French??? (This is a pipedream.. if it was possible for me to get tested and placed in introductory French, since i haven't had it since grade 9, even though i was soo good at it, then mayyyybe i could attempt this. Again, tis a dream. i could always do night school or intro college courses later on..)
-Visual arts courses: The real deal , or the Drawing classes for non-majors? (im thinking the deuce is more within my reach)

Ahhh as you can see i'm quite riddled with these things lol. I really pray on insight, clarity and perception as this year goes on. Im stokkedd to see where my life is headed. God is good... it just doesnt help when i'm not
and i'm scared to death of making my own decisions after how much i was an idiot in high school. now i keep asking people to do the decision making for me.
Growing up is hard.

Stuff to Do 09/21/10

The last to do list was getting fairly completed, and now I have a ton of other stuff to do, so I decided to make another.

-Get G2 (omg friday hahjrgkshgaklgtiouT)
-Park well enough to be super confident (this should go before #1, but whatever)
-Get drama hoodie
-Read Sir Gawain and the Green Knight (KILL ME)
-Tutor annie in english homework this weekend
-Do Writing about Lit summary assignment
-Get Ray Bans set up
-Get Ray Bans in
-Doctors appointment
-Get bloodwork
-Get heart checkup
-ADD official testing session?
-Do FAW I writing assignment #1
-Do FAW I writing assignment #2
-Do SOME reading for FAW, for my writing assignments at least, ahahahhaa
-Finish/hand in A Midsummer Night's Dream critique

Uhghhghgh i'm stopping there cause there's sooo much alreadyy.

To do list as of 09/11/2010

-find contacts
-new script for glasses
-report card/diploma pick up
-OSAP appointment/mailing the paperwork out
-find out program orientation times
-university players book
-mycomplab set up
-theatre experience book
-notebook for classes
-pens, pencils
-find out finalized booklist for Writing About Lit
-get bio book from angela
-decide on bio or psych
-find out info on bio from angela
-ask angela about study guide
-get english hoodie
-get OSAP money in and on parents bank account, and onto mine after
-get bank account
-get debit card
-get battery for clicker
-start school
-learn to reverse/parellel park (again)
-get g2
-go to club SODA orientation
-drama orientation
-english orientation
-convocation
-free drama t shirt
-return novels with tuts debit (turns out I could only return one cause one had a cracked spine... -__-)
-get agenda
-get uwin card
-go to FAW I orientation
-folders for classes
-a world of writing textbook
-get official debit card
-do some shopping
-get brown boots from dsw that have my name on them!!
-read ch. 1 of bio textbook and take notes
-hand in Vark test results
-hand in signed paper to ericastevensabbit!

...this is getting to be a lengthy list. ill have to keep it newer and more updated once my life gets even more crazy.
which it will, by atleast 10 times.

Let it be known.

So many people around me polarize my views on life and the world but here they are just so you can know.

I do not condone homosexuality in any way or form. I don't support gay lifestyles and don't like their influence on others who do not lead the same life, yet choose to approve of their choice. I do not stand for this act and I never will. There is not one bit of me that thinks it's right, and I follow God's take on the entire issue. If gay marriage is legal, that's something I'm less against, because if it is illegal people are just going to find ways to get together anyways. Might as well let them have their legal freedoms now. I just do not support the entire aspect of homosexuality whatsoever, and nothing can sway me to think or live differently.

I am not politically active or into debates on world issues, social justice, etc-- honestly just is not my cup of tea. The fact that I am an idealist through and through admits me to maintain a simplistic, ideal, and divinely oriented outlook on life...combined with what I feel called to do. What I do not feel called to do, is be a radical missionary or an activist or an angry mob joinee or anything of the variety. I do not raise my voice about issues in this world today just because of the fact that no one will be able to accept or understand what I would have to say. The people I do confide in with my questions, concerns, opinions, and all intellectual and informative conversation are few and far between. They mostly consist of my family, and a handful of friends. These things are to be taken much more seriously and cautiously than blatantly and with flagrant disclosure, which is what most of my friends and people I know do. I do not agree with that way of going about this, but whatever rubs their back.


I am a very strong advocate of children of the Kingdom serving different goals and ministries to benefit God's glory, and that not everyone is called to serve Him in the same way. The whole street preaching, evangelizing, tongue babbling lifestyle I have been surrounded by for a few years now has taught me this. I serve God every day in the way I am discovering I was meant to. We need many jobs done of many varieties and shapes and colours, and the manufacturing and administering of these "assignments" to the masses should not be encouraged. I dream on.

I don't know where else to go with this. I just felt like being honest about a few things. I put a lot of thought towards these beliefs-- more than you could imagine. Time and time again I find a deeply rooted, obscured by cultural influence yet still present Truth to all of these things. One day I may be bold enough to share them with people without fear of being shunned or attacked. And if I am, may I be integral enough to stand my ground without a tremble of cowardice across my skin. Thank you for your understanding, to whoever may be reading this.

WOW

my worry is gone.
I just planned everything out according to the degree audit and.... holy frick... I can totally do this.
This will turn out so much better than how I have been fretting it would be for so long now.
Thank GOD.

:)
BRING ON FIRST YEAR!

:(

I guess I do know better.

I'm sorry for letting you all down, for making you think I'm pretentious, a fake and a hollowed out person. I have so much soul but I sell out to this day when I think I've gotten rid of all intentions of doing that anymore. Most of all, I've let You down, and You matter most. You must be so disappointed in me. My future is dwindling before my eyes and I'm so afraid of not doing what I'm supposed to be doing, and doing something different, which is what my gut and heart is telling me I'm doing, even though I may be so drawn to this field because it is so appealing in so many ways and levels.

Vision will come. I must accept that. In due time, a wise decision will be made and I will be at rest with myself.

I will lean on You all this time.

Horrryyy shet

today I had my first improv acting experience in well... alonnggggg time.
It was quite nerve racking, but me and my group did alot better than I expected.
Even I think I did decently well. This is a skill i would LOVE to hone and get under control to use to any degree of effectiveness and intensity.
Are all first days meant to be this scary though? I feel like such an outsider, such a stranger, presently.
I want to act so bad but I am so intimidated I don't know how I'll make out. I am praying to overcome my shyness and general awkward nature sooo hard, I need to commit to that, and the sooner I see a wonderful positive change in my very CHARACTER, I'll be incredibly happy and satisfied with my self worth. I'm too much of a perfectionist for anyone's liking, so this is a bit of a hinderance to my confidence level and willingness to let go of a mistake(s) I've made, but I'm praying that changes too.
I need SO MUCH CHANGE ITS UNREAL!
And i thought I changed an incredible amount in high school... That will be almost minute in comparison to whats about to hit me this year.
Gosh frickin dang it.

Sidenote on other things.

I CAN write with conviction, and power, and overwhelming emotion. I CAN do it. But why don't I? Why dont I try? People dont even know I am a writer. This is bad I think. I've never published my works outside of Tumblr or here on Blogger, or outside of a school assignment. This is some bullshit! I should get reading and writing, because I want to convict everyone who reads my works, because I have that power, and soooo much to offer, with everything thats always on my mind, and everything that breaks and swells my heart.

I will show everyone what I am capable of. Right now i am DEAD when it comes to creativity and unleashing the emotional stirrings in me I (currently) have so much trouble verbalizing, but i see myself doing such great things with the gifts ive been given that I'm hopeful this will all turn around in my favour. I must multiply my talents.

I will write to God's glory and will express myself artistically in any way God intends, all for Him, because he gave me everything I am able to do, learn, and love.

This me that is writing is slowly dying, and a new me is slowly rising from the ashes and reaching up towards the light, into fruition. I will become who I was made to be, and she will be unstoppable.

And the fear of being bold, myself, and truly an outgoing and freespirited kid will melt away forever.

Sofia Tesich will achieve all she dreams of, I can promise you that.

Updated To Do List!

-find contacts
-new script for glasses
-report card/diploma pick up
-OSAP appointment/mailing the paperwork out
-find out program orientation times
-university players book
-mycomplab set up
-theatre experience book
-notebook for classes
-pens, pencils
-find out finalized booklist for Writing About Lit
-get bio book from angela
-decide on bio or psych
-find out info on bio from angela
-ask angela about study guide
-get english hoodie
-get OSAP money in and on parents bank account, and onto mine after
-get bank account
-get debit card
-get battery for clicker
-start school
-learn to reverse/parellel park (again)
-get g2
-go to club SODA orientation
-drama orientation
-english orientation
-convocation
-free drama t shirt
-return novels with tuts debit (turns out I could only return one cause one had a cracked spine... -__-)
-get agenda
-get uwin card
-go to FAW I orientation

So I added some things I need to do and crossed off a bunch more... stuffs finally getting done! School starts in 2 days! AHHHHH!

Twelve

i can't wait to find someone,
or to be rid of this.

I want to be trapped swirling in my own dreamlike existance, where reality is far away and not one inch of me is enveloped in it. To escape would mean everything.

you know what?

fuck you. you're sometimes the crummiest friend i have.

and you're really good at being hurtful.

To Be Admired

I wrote that a while ago as a blog title, because it pertained to a very deep and significant part of me.

Here I get real.

I want to be recognized. I want to be known as someone inspiring and immensely blessed. I want people in awe of my life and my love of God and how I bring it into fruition in my talents. I am a very proud person. I want to be in the spotlight for so many things, yet I am not, ever. I never get opportunities to showcase my gifts because I am the only one who ever sees them. HOW do I go about letting people know how talented I am??

My cousin is a wonderfully blessed musician, and she performs in concerts and we can all see her work paying off and her gifts becoming better and better and more honed. My best friend is also a blessed musician, and a great actor, and is good at writing. EVERYONE knows how talented he is because he is always given opportunities to showcase his gifts, and therefore he must be getting blessed all the more for it.

And here I am stuck in my own little realm of dreams and fantasies of becoming this incredibly respected and inspiring person and I can't do shit to show people how much I care, or how big my heart is for life, and what I have to offer.

What exactly do I have to offer?

Alright, I'm going to do my best to list what I'm good at and whatever I think can benefit the Kingdom and its people in some way.
I am a blessed writer. I love writing spiritual pieces whether they are in the form of poetry, short stories, memoirs to myself, or what have you. I don't know if it has been properly harnessed yet but I will see.
I love art and am good at drawing.
I loveee to imitate and voice acting is one of my favourite pastimes. (That doesnt help anyone but its still a talent I enjoy about myself).
I love being active and doing gymnastics. I can't wait for school to start so I can go back to doing yoga!!!
I guess I'm blessed with a really big brain. I'm actually really, really intelligent. I love to learn and I love school and I love acquiring new skills in any subject of education. Its really something I love to do.
I love
I love peoples' lives and inner lives an incredible amount. I love to listen to people talk about anything on their mind, or their deepest troubles. I am very good at empathising and understanding people even if they don't understand themselves. I can see peoples' hearts for what they are, good or corrupt. I see their struggles and convictions like they are shining in the daylight. I see their blessings under an even greater light. I am a natural confidante, I believe. Maybe it's my eyes-- they're dull, brown, plain, boring. I think this offers a humble air so people are much more at ease when they look at me, debating whether or not to confide something in me, and they find nothing to be intimidated by. They trust. I am trustworthy... and I am quite thankful for that attribute.

I guess these are all fine charicteristics, but how am I really impacting anyone? Can someone come along and really empty out my head for me? I could use some help.


Hollyy friiiickkkk, I just checked my formspring and I had the coolest comment sent in by my friend Brandon:
"You know, I don’t see you very often, but if something’s wrong you are always the first one to say something. And for that, I love you :)"


Talk about a blessing....

All I need is encouragement. Welll its not all i need, i need to pray a lot and read the Word A LOT to get me through this crappy time, but really, stuff like that is just fantastic. Thank you anyone who has ever been so kind as to tell me something like that. It helps me more than you know.

I do not think I impact people on a significantly good level though, I really fear I do not live up to this. I have a huge fear of never reaching my full potential. I want to live a divinely inspired life and I want to make God proud of me and live out everything he wills for me. Right now, I guess I believe I fear it really won't ever happen. It could be the devil getting into my head but.......

:( wow i just really want to be known for something great

....

really?

are you serious?

NOOOOOOOOO

I KNEW THAT WOULD HAPPEN

LOL AS SOON AS I PRESSED PLAY IT HAPPENED 3 SECONDS LATER AHGHGJAGK

DAMN YOU RITA!

DEXTER

this episode of dexter is stressing me out so muchhhh

I'm on episode 9 of 12, of the fourth season (the last one out right now)

so i'm almost done completely.. but man..... SHIT IS GOING CRAZY :| i really want at least 3 people in this season to die horrific deaths. I hope dex gets em all. Arthur, christine and elliott are all sons of bitches.

omgggggg okay i gotta man up and watch this... ten minutes left and i keep pausing cause its stressing me out so much ahahahahha

i have a feeling i know whats going to happen though :( :( :( :(

ahgkjhgjkhg. wish me luck :D

urgh

gooo awaaaayyyyy

O__O

stop paying attention to me...for ever!

Facepalm!

Stop creeping me!!!!

you're hindering me wanting to come to london for a show again in the future. Seerrrss. Piss offff.

Also 10249948606x glad you cant see this.

Worry

I can't stop worrying. about things that are about to happen. when I know they will turn out alright. this needs to all just come to an end and be over with so i can have more important things that are actually worth stressing over!

And I'm really sorry this blog of mine is so negative.

Wow

You are really cold.

You are really self centered.

And the actions you carry out versus the words you speak counter each other all the time.

Whats inside and whats outside polarize each other on so many levels.

What is up with you?

I so wish I had someone.

Someone I was actually really genuinely interested in, someone who wasn't taken or impossible for me to pursue.

I am not a flirt. If you know me and if you are friends with me, you should know this. I do not flirt with people. I do not like multitudes of people at a time. I can only be interested in one at any one time, to be truthful. My heart is so committed in a caring relationship that that's all it has room for-- one person.

With that being said I don't think it's a big deal that I vent about this a little bit. All anybody seems to do nowadays is throw idle words around to a bunch of attractive people when really there's no meaning or commitment behind it. Either that, or they have someone that really works out for them, and vice versa. Which I LOVE, don't get me wrong. But on the occassion I get a little...left out.

Deeeeeeeyuum. A distraction would be wonderful. A legit one i mean. not just anything.

I am not one who takes what she can get.

That is not me... that will never be me.

And a sidenote, I'm really sick of your oblivious nature. I am now discovering I'm not the only one you hurt with your short and cold responses to really significant things. Shape up, or honesty will have its way with you, from us. Please get that through your thick head.

To Do List

-find contacts

-new script for glasses

-report card/diploma pick up

-OSAP appointment/mailing the paperwork out

-find out program orientation times

-university players book

-mycomblab set up

-theatre experience book

-notebook for classes

-pens, pencils

-find out finalized booklist for Writing About Lit

-get bio book from angela

-decide on bio or psych

-find out info on bio from angela

-ask angela about study guide

-get english hoodie

-have sleepover with marley

-have sleepover with trina

-get OSAP money in

-get bank account

-get debit card

-get battery for clicker

-start school

-learn to reverse/parellel park (again)

-get g2

i love prolonged arguing over the dumbest things

and clearly you do too.

guess we're more similar than i thought

i love

letting out all my bitterness on people when they upset me.

it is not a good thing.

but it feels so satisfying.

but it doesnt make the anger go away entirely.

heres a note to never piss me off to the nth degree: dont forget about me when theres a group hangout, and your my best friend, and somehow you cant seem to remember that i may want to be there too, because they are all my really good friends. stupid asshole.

Those Shaking Hands

Soft whisps of sound
Echoed through

Your airy room,

Illuminated by afternoon sun.

My eyes could never brighten from their rays

Dark as the trees bark in the shade,
I could never impress
The onlooker.

Yet yours were unraveled by the light
An emerald glow that always
Pierced through to the very depths of me.

I loved this room.
It was so open, vast,
The wood paneled flooring corrected
The structure of my spine,

A posture redefined.

We never came here

with heavy hearts--

that lasted.

But today was a new day.

After all..
There must always be ends

to beginnings.

Here is our living progress.

I walked in expecting nothing more than a serene day

To spend with you,

We had hours to create new memories.

To stand side by side,

To feel sparks emanating from our hands

Every dot of skin

Exerting energy that can only be described as Love in movement.

But today was different.

I crossed the room upon my arrival
To see you in a broken heap upon the wooden floor

I remember your falling tears,

Shuddering shoulders,

Heaving ribcage...

I did not know you were able to crumble before now.

But this was a time where I could not utter such questions.

I begged for knowledge of the news I only knew

Would tear me down

Yet I fought the fear away

before I heard your breathing slow

And the words you spoke

Dripped thick and slow like toxins down a riverbank.

And all I remember was seeing your hands shake as they held you up.

Your arms, like pillars on the wood paneled floor.

I felt a sense of a crashing tidal wave over my world.

How could I live without a friend I`ve known to be so dear?

Was it all a dream?
A fleeting shard of a nightmare fueled by stress and constricting warmth?

There was no hint of life in me that desired the truth to be what it was...

And that was Truth.
A smothering, suffocating reality.

He was gone.

I stared with glazed eyes upwards towards a deadpan sky with no answer

Other than the throbbing sensation I knew,

Somehow the only solution to my pain

A voice above the clouds

Whispered itself to me...

Death is the road to awe. Acceptance leads to strength.

I am nearest to you when your soul feels like tearing itself in two.

Look away from me.

Those trembling hands.

I backed away into a whirlwind of deafening silence and despair

My heart broke into a thousand pieces,

And to this day I`ll never forget the noise it made.

PS

I apologize about the 2nd last post i wrote... it was unnecessarily harsh and vulgar.

Being angry gives way to awful things. it was truly uncontrollable, the things i said.

I'll try to curb posts of fury to my best efforts.

As well... I'm getting a strange feeling I shouldn't be majoring in drama anymore. I genuinely want to learn to act, but the drama program at windsor is more focused on technical theatre-- like stage design, directing, sets, lighting, etc. Which i think is definitely not something i should put my degree towards. The BFA Acting program is definitely legit about acting, but theres no way i can major in that, or even minor in it. So i guess there goes that. There are about 3 actual acting classes in the regular BA honours program for drama, but they aren't till 3rd or 4th year, and why should i waste classes on mundane things like set design and scenery painting?? Not that those arent fun and interesting aspects of theatre, but certianly not worthy to spend tuition on.

Okay.... we'll see how this goes. If i get any more intuitive instinct on this, and when i pray on it, if everything comes back negative, i'll drop my drama major and stick with English. THIS way, i have room for another elective!!! yess, i am so excited on getting those done. Some electives i'm even very interested in taking. Psych is definitely one of them. Maybe a history class too. Even better--- theres a two part (one per semester) Introductory Drawing class for non art-majors, so CHA CHING, if i cant (probably wont) be able to cut it for an Art major with all the incredibly talented kids who would kill my self esteem and confidence if i were to take classes with them... then this is certainly enough :) Besides.. drawing is my best skill in art. Painting is not my strength yet and scultping is very fun but drawing has been my passion from the get go. I just love it.

So maybe this isnt all so bad.

It seems like i'm solving my own problems here... so that advising appointment tomorrow seems a little less necessary at this present moment... but i can't cancel now. I have a few things i could use clarity on in terms of degree audits.

Last thing, im really sorry i write such boring crap on here. who really wants to read about the worries i have about school and classes?! Truth is, i'm the biggest perfectionist and the thought of taking a course that will not benefit my degree requirements terrifies me to no end... thats why i always stress myself out over stuff like this. Thank God for the summer, I've figured out so much stuff that has prepared me a great amount for a first year nubsauce like me.

Only two more weeks..

subjects

i want to study.

english

visual art

drama

history

psychology

french

Daaaaamnnn. The only one i know is for sure sticking through is English.... now I have to rack my brain trying to figure out what i'll do with all the others.

Minors and whatnot.

piiisss..............

goddamn it

im so fucking mad

i know my moms right but why does she have to be a fucking tyrant about it?

she ruined my night, again

this whole thing fucking sucks and it better end.

but it doesn't bother me at all.

i sure hope you aren't reading this right now.

i know im gonna be swept away by better things, soon, in the near future. for now im left suck wallowing in the muck that ive been in for a time... with no way out?! seemingly so... i mean most people would have no trouble leaving whats been tormenting them but it feels like im forever chained up to this crap. its not fun. it doesnt benefit me... it only teaches me a great deal, a few months from now, when i look back and attain 20/20 hindsight on my stupidity and naivety...

when i find something better i will be so happy and NONE of this will bother me anymore.

i dont know if i can achieve that same happiness without finding something better.... just kinda pulling through on my own i mean... cause that hasn't happened yet.... im just wondering if it makes me a dependent slob if i cant make my life better on my own-- i need outside sources and incoming love and blessings to make it better. like. is there a difference between my own strength and...

i dont know how to articulate that anymore. my writing usually doesnt go without being completely scrambled and stupid sounding. i try. not my best, no.. but i still try. and its still therapeutic to me more than anything else.

ahhhhhhhh so what else is on my brain?

im annoyed that summer is not done yet (even though i have a loottt of things to do still before all my time is taken up). i want school to start so bad.... its going to be killer. i hope. eep. the workload will kill me probably. but ive beeen mentally preparing myself for so long it seems..

i really hope i learn how to effectively manage my time when it comes to studying, reading, and all the other stuff i do with my time outside of school. i wonder if ill still have to clean and wash dishes.... i have this vision that ill become a complete hermit who does NOTHING but eat, sleep, and do schoolwork.... damnit.... after this chaotic and pack-jammed summer, my social life will feel totally obliterated. which i feel could actually happen. i hope not! but we'll see.

also i still feel like i have ADD, legitimately. my mom has some form of it, my baba does too i think... comes from being a workaholic... which i am becoming. so what am i gnona do? i gotta make a docs appointment.... ill holla at my mom about that sometime..

oh and i need new glasses!

AGHGJH

and i cant find my stupid contacts. like where the hell are they?? i had them a week ago, came home, put them in their case, and they're GONE. this sucks so much.

i want ray bans....

yup this blog is quite scatterbrained im aware..

I SHOULD BE DRIVING EVERYWHERE AND PARKING LIKE A MOFO

:( :( :( : ( :( these stresses would be all gone if i onnly stuck to them and made them happen.

i hate that my parents work all the time and we cant get any of them done.

omg im about to explode now

FUCK

im so glad i have this blog as an outlet, too many people on my tumblr to see my crap i need to vent about, ahgkjfhgkjsgh

i care about yuo, this is the way that i show it. i DO NOT do this to just anyone, and when i do, i DONT mean it in a condescending or controlling way. because of the fact that i rarely perform this act of warning, it means i am 1000000% sincere when i do it. im sorry that i may seem obnoxious from time to time. but please dont get yourself hurt.

fuck! i just hope you see someday. and i hope i find something else to distract me in a lovely way.

VENTING

I just had a good venting session to my friend nate hope, and surprisingly it was good enough to make me feel better. Im grateful for it. hes a good guy.

i love when i am actually given people in my life that allow me to open up and actually express all the pain and shit going on inside my crazy heart and head. those people are few and far between, and though half the time i am probably too proud and reserved to share myself with 98% of the people i know, im very happy to have the legit and trustworthy friends i have. i know those kinds of people are extremely rare and i must hold onto them if i want them to stay around in my life.

i have so much to learn.

******side rant******

now im looking for someone else to vent to... my best friend isnt online and i actually doubt i'd share this with him right now, just because i have intuitive feelings that he will not be able to tell me what i need or even want to hear. thats probably a shallow expectation on my part but im so picky i cant make it happen right now. dangit....

i want a best best best best friend so badly. i want us to stroll into each others' houses at random at any point of the day, and have our families be cool with it and treat us like family, i want us to sleep at eachothers houses on school days and come over at 4 am, i want us to be so let loose and ourselves around each other it will seem surreal. i want incredibly loving times and an immensely strong bond between us and i want to love him/her like no other friend.

sometimes i think i already have him but its not quite the same for him. i guess i shuoldn't have such high standards for everything in my life, including for myself. i get let down a lot, as it turns out.

but why wont they go away? i keep setting the highest goals and dreams, its like its the only thing i know how to do.

why cant i just get some recognition for being your best friend? please just fill me in. i want to know i mean so much to you, i really hope thats not too much to ask. i long to God you consider me special.

i want you to REALLY think of me as your little sister, because to me i treat you like my big brother, and as ive told you how much ive wanted a big brother for my whole life.... you are the bro i've always wanted. i value our relatinoship so much. thank you immensely.

****/end rant*****

that being said, im looking for someone to talk to right now. i wish i had someone. when i think i find someone who will be a suitable distraction, they always vanish within a very short time, and im left with half grown hopes and a disappointed heart. damn it. i want real people that are interested in sticking around. i want them to want to be in my life. unfortunately i cant really think of anyone who does.

angst

i'm lost and confused and i dont know what to do.

i want my mom to understand the crap im going through. i KNOW that i am always out or on the computer when im at home, and i mess up, but she doesnt understand that i am really tired of it and i know fully well i should be doing something else. im so sick of her bs and how she feels she needs to deal with situations like these. im going to kill someone. i know what im doing, i WILL learn how to end it, but this is just wayyy to fucking much, im so upset.

the fact that i never talk about my real inner problems with people could also be the cause off all this angst.. too much pent up pain.

i cant talk about my problems. theres sooooo much that hinders me from speaking and i dont know what it is, but its strong.

and its been winning for so many years.

2:18am

Hello, blogspot.

It's been a while since I've written anything here.
I've been livin it up in the world of tumblr, but very recently I've been getting incredibly strong urges to write critical posts, poems and rants about my life-- I find tumblr has too many of my friends following me than I feel comfortable with. Lord knows how private I am, how withdrawn and closed off I am from 9 out of 10 people, and besides I feel like if i were to write anything of importance to me and my growth in life on there i'd be judged, or they just wouldn't care.

It's the latter that gets me most.

Anywho. I should tell you all (whoever is following me at this point on blogspot, or whoever creeps, idk people prolly have no idea this exists) about my life in the past few months. I finished high school, what a great feeling. I had an awesome last year and I don't regret any of it, however bad or foolish I was at any point to the people I love(d). It was a tremendous season in my life and it ended on a wholly lovely note-- nothing to be wistful about except for not abandoning my talents in art and writing (more on that later). Really though, I couldn't have asked for a better concluding chapter on that era of my life. I wonder how much different it will look a year from now, when I look back on this season of my life after one year of university has been done.

On that note I write to you about the summer. This summer has been incredibly fantastic. I have been blessed with so many fabulous mornings, afternoons and evenings all the way until the wee hours-- I'm so happy with it. I've had something fun to do pretty much every single day of the summer and I've been living up every minute of it that I can. For someone as introverted as I its been some crazy progress in the social life area. I know that I expend energy when I'm with a lot of people, and I'll never understand how people gain energy in those environments, but I think I've seen a lot of healthy change. I'm still withdrawn and reserved (especially at night time) as always, but somehow I've gotten better at postponing it during the day. Especially when people that I know I open up to no matter what are in the party, or whatever. It helps so much.

That being said I've taken alot of time to myself as well, though its hard to believe considering how many days of the week I am gone out with family or friends. During the times I have had to myself I have come to a great number of conclusions. Well..maybe there aren't alot of them, they're just all really big on the importance scale. I'll try to keep this as short as I can.

I miss being an artist. I miss drawing every day, every hour when a new idea popped into my head and I had to create it. I miss the feel of new paper, scrapbooks with full thick white sheets and a freshly sharpened pencil ready for battle in my hand. I miss art class in school when my friends would complement my artwork, and actually be in awe of it. Sometimes I even astounded myself with something I created. It was amazing. What have I done?! I totally dropped the ball in grade 9, after taking the Visual arts class and almost failing it because I didnt feel like doing half the work. What happened there?! What was I thinking? God , if it was possible to go back in time I would fix all of that mess in a heartbeat. (Same goes for French. Loved french. KILLED french. I dropped that too though... I'm clearly awesome at sticking with my talents).

With these realisations in mind, and university around the corner, I've been doing a TON of serious thinking about my future and what studies I will complete to get to where I want (and where God wants, more importantly). I've been racking my brain about this more than most other things lately. I love art, I always will, I will always appreciate it. But the extremely high standards I have set for myself are not letting me get out of this one empty handed. I feel so driven to go back and learn EVERYTHING there is to know about art and its styles and applications, that I am willing to endure university level training to feel satisfied with myself again. I want this so bad. My friend Trina is an incredible young budding artist-- her paintings strike awe in all of us, and her sketches as well... its remarkable. Seeing her craft being honed over time has brought out this feeling of regret in me, I suppose. Maybe regret isn't the right word, but hey, I feel something that isnt making me feel good. Its all my fault I abandoned this, but I know with enough hard work i can get back to the good days.

Well.. I guess that didn't turn out as short as I hoped it would be.

But really, I'm now going to be a mature and serious adult in about four weeks, when my life is flipped upside down intellectually and psychologically. I truly long to know what I'm actually supposed to be doing in this life, and chase after the goals God has before me with my biggest blessings in hand. Maybe it isn't art that should be my area of expertise--it is a divine gift of mine, no doubt--but perhaps not meant to be focused on as much as another talent of mine. In any case, we will see what happens in due time. This is easier said than done, considering i am the most impatient person alive.

One more thing... I know that my biggest gift of all is my skill in writing. I am in love with linguistics and poetry. I have always excelled in these areas during all my years of schooling. There is nothing I love more than expressing my extremely complex, emotional, adrenaline-powered and spiritually-fueled feelings on a day to day basis than facing the challenge of verbalizing them into a poem or short story. I absorb books as much as I can to gain any kind of new sense of writing style or inspiration from stories and characters--right down to an author's own authentic rhetoric. I know English is going to be my major area of study no matter what happens-- i should rest in knowing that that at least, is confirmed to me.

I too though have not done enough writing and practising in this field as i used to. I spend a lot of time thinking about songwriting, lyricism is something I dream of mastering fully. Bands like La dispute and Every Time I Die instill this desire in me. Their words are magic to my mind and heart and I want to create artistic structures of words just like they do. But you know, my style. I like to think I have something incredible to offer literature-lovers. But thats me being a big dreamer and high-standard-crazy person.

This blog post needs to end.... so here it is . 2:48am, I am getting ready for bed and mulling a few hundred things over.

One last note... I read something today that horrified me to the point of extreme empathy and love. My worst assumptions that I tried to push away and pretend were not true, ended up being reality. Even if it is past. You need help, and i love you so much i will do anything to fix you. I long for the day when you see yourself as a beautiful creation.

..I could write a LOT more on that particular subject but i'll spare whoevers reading this... and myself. Im damn tired.

Good night earth.