It's been a while since I've written anything here.
I've been livin it up in the world of tumblr, but very recently I've been getting incredibly strong urges to write critical posts, poems and rants about my life-- I find tumblr has too many of my friends following me than I feel comfortable with. Lord knows how private I am, how withdrawn and closed off I am from 9 out of 10 people, and besides I feel like if i were to write anything of importance to me and my growth in life on there i'd be judged, or they just wouldn't care.
It's the latter that gets me most.
Anywho. I should tell you all (whoever is following me at this point on blogspot, or whoever creeps, idk people prolly have no idea this exists) about my life in the past few months. I finished high school, what a great feeling. I had an awesome last year and I don't regret any of it, however bad or foolish I was at any point to the people I love(d). It was a tremendous season in my life and it ended on a wholly lovely note-- nothing to be wistful about except for not abandoning my talents in art and writing (more on that later). Really though, I couldn't have asked for a better concluding chapter on that era of my life. I wonder how much different it will look a year from now, when I look back on this season of my life after one year of university has been done.
On that note I write to you about the summer. This summer has been incredibly fantastic. I have been blessed with so many fabulous mornings, afternoons and evenings all the way until the wee hours-- I'm so happy with it. I've had something fun to do pretty much every single day of the summer and I've been living up every minute of it that I can. For someone as introverted as I its been some crazy progress in the social life area. I know that I expend energy when I'm with a lot of people, and I'll never understand how people gain energy in those environments, but I think I've seen a lot of healthy change. I'm still withdrawn and reserved (especially at night time) as always, but somehow I've gotten better at postponing it during the day. Especially when people that I know I open up to no matter what are in the party, or whatever. It helps so much.
That being said I've taken alot of time to myself as well, though its hard to believe considering how many days of the week I am gone out with family or friends. During the times I have had to myself I have come to a great number of conclusions. Well..maybe there aren't alot of them, they're just all really big on the importance scale. I'll try to keep this as short as I can.
I miss being an artist. I miss drawing every day, every hour when a new idea popped into my head and I had to create it. I miss the feel of new paper, scrapbooks with full thick white sheets and a freshly sharpened pencil ready for battle in my hand. I miss art class in school when my friends would complement my artwork, and actually be in awe of it. Sometimes I even astounded myself with something I created. It was amazing. What have I done?! I totally dropped the ball in grade 9, after taking the Visual arts class and almost failing it because I didnt feel like doing half the work. What happened there?! What was I thinking? God , if it was possible to go back in time I would fix all of that mess in a heartbeat. (Same goes for French. Loved french. KILLED french. I dropped that too though... I'm clearly awesome at sticking with my talents).
With these realisations in mind, and university around the corner, I've been doing a TON of serious thinking about my future and what studies I will complete to get to where I want (and where God wants, more importantly). I've been racking my brain about this more than most other things lately. I love art, I always will, I will always appreciate it. But the extremely high standards I have set for myself are not letting me get out of this one empty handed. I feel so driven to go back and learn EVERYTHING there is to know about art and its styles and applications, that I am willing to endure university level training to feel satisfied with myself again. I want this so bad. My friend Trina is an incredible young budding artist-- her paintings strike awe in all of us, and her sketches as well... its remarkable. Seeing her craft being honed over time has brought out this feeling of regret in me, I suppose. Maybe regret isn't the right word, but hey, I feel something that isnt making me feel good. Its all my fault I abandoned this, but I know with enough hard work i can get back to the good days.
Well.. I guess that didn't turn out as short as I hoped it would be.
But really, I'm now going to be a mature and serious adult in about four weeks, when my life is flipped upside down intellectually and psychologically. I truly long to know what I'm actually supposed to be doing in this life, and chase after the goals God has before me with my biggest blessings in hand. Maybe it isn't art that should be my area of expertise--it is a divine gift of mine, no doubt--but perhaps not meant to be focused on as much as another talent of mine. In any case, we will see what happens in due time. This is easier said than done, considering i am the most impatient person alive.
One more thing... I know that my biggest gift of all is my skill in writing. I am in love with linguistics and poetry. I have always excelled in these areas during all my years of schooling. There is nothing I love more than expressing my extremely complex, emotional, adrenaline-powered and spiritually-fueled feelings on a day to day basis than facing the challenge of verbalizing them into a poem or short story. I absorb books as much as I can to gain any kind of new sense of writing style or inspiration from stories and characters--right down to an author's own authentic rhetoric. I know English is going to be my major area of study no matter what happens-- i should rest in knowing that that at least, is confirmed to me.
I too though have not done enough writing and practising in this field as i used to. I spend a lot of time thinking about songwriting, lyricism is something I dream of mastering fully. Bands like La dispute and Every Time I Die instill this desire in me. Their words are magic to my mind and heart and I want to create artistic structures of words just like they do. But you know, my style. I like to think I have something incredible to offer literature-lovers. But thats me being a big dreamer and high-standard-crazy person.
This blog post needs to end.... so here it is . 2:48am, I am getting ready for bed and mulling a few hundred things over.
One last note... I read something today that horrified me to the point of extreme empathy and love. My worst assumptions that I tried to push away and pretend were not true, ended up being reality. Even if it is past. You need help, and i love you so much i will do anything to fix you. I long for the day when you see yourself as a beautiful creation.
..I could write a LOT more on that particular subject but i'll spare whoevers reading this... and myself. Im damn tired.
Good night earth.
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