VENTING

I just had a good venting session to my friend nate hope, and surprisingly it was good enough to make me feel better. Im grateful for it. hes a good guy.

i love when i am actually given people in my life that allow me to open up and actually express all the pain and shit going on inside my crazy heart and head. those people are few and far between, and though half the time i am probably too proud and reserved to share myself with 98% of the people i know, im very happy to have the legit and trustworthy friends i have. i know those kinds of people are extremely rare and i must hold onto them if i want them to stay around in my life.

i have so much to learn.

******side rant******

now im looking for someone else to vent to... my best friend isnt online and i actually doubt i'd share this with him right now, just because i have intuitive feelings that he will not be able to tell me what i need or even want to hear. thats probably a shallow expectation on my part but im so picky i cant make it happen right now. dangit....

i want a best best best best friend so badly. i want us to stroll into each others' houses at random at any point of the day, and have our families be cool with it and treat us like family, i want us to sleep at eachothers houses on school days and come over at 4 am, i want us to be so let loose and ourselves around each other it will seem surreal. i want incredibly loving times and an immensely strong bond between us and i want to love him/her like no other friend.

sometimes i think i already have him but its not quite the same for him. i guess i shuoldn't have such high standards for everything in my life, including for myself. i get let down a lot, as it turns out.

but why wont they go away? i keep setting the highest goals and dreams, its like its the only thing i know how to do.

why cant i just get some recognition for being your best friend? please just fill me in. i want to know i mean so much to you, i really hope thats not too much to ask. i long to God you consider me special.

i want you to REALLY think of me as your little sister, because to me i treat you like my big brother, and as ive told you how much ive wanted a big brother for my whole life.... you are the bro i've always wanted. i value our relatinoship so much. thank you immensely.

****/end rant*****

that being said, im looking for someone to talk to right now. i wish i had someone. when i think i find someone who will be a suitable distraction, they always vanish within a very short time, and im left with half grown hopes and a disappointed heart. damn it. i want real people that are interested in sticking around. i want them to want to be in my life. unfortunately i cant really think of anyone who does.