HUH?

What the crap just happened?
Why did you do that..? I'm so appalled and disgusted and turned off all at once.

Something was going on, something was the cause of whatever that was.

Youre so pitiful!

I wonder if you'll have a good excuse or explanation about this in the morning

or if you feel like talking to me later.. probably not

you can go chase other scumbag girls
I aint one of them
and you're not ever layin a grimy hand on me again

-
paranormal activity is SO SKETCHY.
I'm a little antsy,
but the authority of Christ is expressed in me. tough luck, fear.

Ive got a lot to pray about
this is good
this is all coming together.

Thanks for the talk, from both of you, it was great, and cheered me up. I hope you still don't think I'm a dweeb, i am such a social klutz, but thanks for your friendship anyways, I appreciate it so much

What Cannot Be Found

So stay where you are.

And hold what you love.

And feel what you want.

And know all the while,



Don't hurt 'till it's done.

I thought about fire in the sky

I thought about, fire
I thought about love burning in your eyes,
I thought about, fire

I thought about a burning fire
I thought about your heart's desire
I thought about a burning fire
I thought about a burning fire

I thought about your love.

I'll turn this all around.

I miss everything from the past.
All of its clear blessings.
All of my strength and faith and the joys it was giving me.
The fruit of the spirit being worked in me daily.
It was all so effortless.
I want it back.
I'm gonna get it back.
I'm leaving behind everything I have loved from when I fell till now
and I will return to You
Empty handed, without a path before me or a plan in mind
Nothing will go this way anymore
It'll all be as good as it was before

I'm gonna turn this all around

Tucked away where they won't care to look.

Such a statement describes my position for most of the evening. The party brought me joy and amusement for some parts but mostly made me feel really out of place and depressed. I don't want to talk about nudes nor have I ever taken a naked photo of myself, I don't have anything to contribute about having sex with people because I have never had sex with anyone, I will not talk about how many people have tried to kiss me because I can count the number of times thats happened on one hand, possibly less. Its not right. The wickedness overtook me and several times and I just felt like leaving without them noticing, just running down the street to a place where I knew all my rightful friends were, even though they were a 10 minute drive away, and I had nothing but my own feet for transportation. You of all people made me feel more comfortable, more at ease, more bubbly and playful; while the rest of you only seemed to draw me further into myself. For a while you were hurting me but then it just made me realise how foolish I've been for the past while. You? Really? Not even going to go there... ugh.. I think the night was quite helpful in teaching me what I need to change, and helping me realize exactly what the crap I've been doing and how stupid it's been. I got really hurt but then I got over it, I think, maybe
slowly
I'm in the process of getting over you

by the grace of God I will accomplish such a thing.

I need this.

GOD GOD GOD GOD

Ive stopped mentioning him from my life for so long
its not fair
nothing in my life is fruitful anymore now that I've stopped proclaiming the name of Christ and his works in my life.
I've cared about the world for a long time now. This blows.
I need to read the word again and I need to pray and repent and get reinstalled in the body before I slip too far away. I'm already disensitized to a lot of stuff, and I've started minimally swearing again, only words like hell or damn but i'm so upset, I've backslidden, ugh ugh ugh


And its funny how NO ONE cares about where I'm at in life.
no one chases me down, asking if I'm upset, and why.
no one calls me when they feel like I'm sad.
no one does anything, they don't care, cause i'm, what? Weird? Unapproachable? How? I'm nice to everyone, the least you can do is offer your help to me when I so clearly would like some.

too much whining
the kingdom of heaven is at hand
and I must accept it

I'm out of your life now
I'm peacin, and I aint comin back

now that I know what you are. tonight was plenty.

An elephant never forgets.

Interestingly enough, when I was about two years old, my favourite creature of the animal kingdom was the elephant. Nothing gave me more thrill and excitement when I watched disney movies as a little kid and seeing the elephant army from Jungle Book patrol across the jungle and piss off Bagheera. It was unreal, how much my mind would explode in magic and wonder of these amazing beasts. I remember the days my mom and dad took me to the Detroit Zoo when I was four years old and I saw the elephant footprints painted on the ground and I followed them with such excitement...and when I saw them, babies and mothers and fathers in their hangout spot, all eating grass and holding each other's tails, I had never felt so fascinated and caught up in the whirlwind of creation's most magnificent gentle beasts. I was shocked and in fear, but also in love with these big things. All my life I'd had a soft spot for them. Elephant stuffed animals and posters and movies were my favourite. Everything about them seemed so precious, so unique, so human like. It was a heart breaking beauty about them. I then learned they actually have the ability to cry, unlike all land creatures besides humans. Literal tears form in their eyes and fall down their wrinkly gray cheeks if a herd member is injured or is killed by a predator. They gather around in a circle facing the lost child, or mother, or brother, and hold a sort of elephant funeral service. And they cry. And for that I believe I'll always love elephants for their pure and precious nature that is just so captivating to me... and their memories are perfect, always sharp and never forgetting a face or smell or encounter with anyone. I liked that cause I have a similar memory...

I don't know why I wrote this, just felt like it I guess

Oh, Brother, I'm far away from everything good

If its not too much to ask

I think I'm ready to come back now

You probably have a stern lecture for me, a big season of disciplining is now in full force, I can feel it, I think.

Its all a big lesson.

Does that mean you chastize me? (Hebrews 12:6) Is it really a lesson of love rather than hate? Do you completely not like me anymore? Do you look down in shame on me? Am I off the book? Am I gone from your mind of loved ones? Please tell me you're still there and willing to get me back to the top of the mountain where I was before. Bring me back to the level of faith that I long to have again.

I don't want to know that I'm no longer a daughter but I'm afraid that is the current truth.

Everything feels so wrong. I have grown weary, I have grown so weak.

I have never resisted to the point of blood. This shames me beyond anything. Why! The fire has been put out and its all my fault. You were right all along, and I knew it, but I purposely chose to go the other way. Even your Word seems foreign now. What a bad season! I'm ruined. I'm gone. I have been living halfway and no way. I lost everything I had built in you. Help me and have mercy on me because I can't believe right now that you love me. I can't believe that your grace will take me back now. I can't believe it when all I've done was spit forgiveness in the face and throw away redemption and repentance to the wind. I'm done for, Lord take me back because there's no way I can do this on my own. There needs to be a revival and I have to come back to you, my heart feels so heavy.

And all I tried to do,
was see the best in you

Look where its gotten me.

Thats it?

I tell you my limits, finally.
Not even, actually, I hardly said anything that I've been meaning to say. It was a small overview of my deepest emotions and concerns of us. And you're gone now. I know you didn't want to hear that, I've known that for a while, but I didn't think you'd be this much of a jerk about it.

My heart is breaking over a nobody.

God save my soul, I'm becoming a sellout.

"It is exactly because you think you are not ready, that you are ready."

Everything has changed.

I met you in a firm stare, an unmoving stance in the ground that held me upright. You were the new glance before my eyes, and I was not intrigued at the beginning. You tried to make me come forward with your sneaking words and playful smiles, and I had none of it. Friendship was something I treasured, lust was abhorred.

I stayed this way for a while, and you drifted. Sometimes returning. Always dismissed. I had bigger things to keep me held high with my head beaming with sunshine and heart in the clouds. They still are, technically, but after a while things started to change. You became quite appealing to me, as I let myself succumb to you, knowing full well the consequences, even though nothing had happened yet. We became the pair of my dreams and you made me feel alive in love, the kind of love one sees with their eyes and feels in their stomach, but not the full kind of Love I had always perservered before. Within months we had a relationship that was the kind I normally detested and strayed from. But I was hooked, you had caught me in your net and I was a fish trying to get away, but at the same time, wanting to come ever closer.

My feet were on the move at this point. I had removed myself from my patch of sunlight and wandered into the shade. You knew all the right words to entice me and lead me to your pleasures and desires. Instant gratification was something we both knew well together. I hadn't allowed you to carry out your ways the first time, but the second time when I felt your lips on mine I knew it was over. I couldn't pull away, if I had an ounce of strength or back bone in me, I would've left you long ago, you knew where I stood but I broke myself down for you. A broken heart has always lead me to rash decisions and trying to fill empty holes. I thought you could replace the patch in my heart but I knew you would only be a breeze flowing through the hole, never landing, never building a foundation to last.

And then I remembered how you made your way here and how we touched and I knew my streak was over and I'd never be able to take it back. I couldn't recover my innocence that I'd slowly been rebuilding over the years. It's my fault. I led you in, you led me in, I am lost and need to be found. Its my fault. I've failed You. Everything hurts me. Everything kills me. Why couldn't I have been wiser? Why did I have to give in? I was doing so well. I was on the honour roll. I had such a bright life with an amazing amount of blessings and I've ruined everything. All because of you. Dammit, I shouldn't have faltered over you. You aren't worth it, I'm plenty aware, but why can't I pull away?

This blows so hard.

Autumn days spark a writing movement

Off in the night while you live it up, I'm off to sleep

You know that I could use somebody

You know that I could use somebody


Someone like you,

& All you know

And how you speak.


Sometimes I think of how I only talk to you because you keep me feeling loved. You give me the company and comfort I crave. But its not complete. Its not pure. You're after my body and not my heart. Though I can't seem to pull away. Its all abuse, really, even though it comes off as a simple feeling, simple retaliations, its hurting me. You need to go away and I need to forget all about you. I'm sorry I put myself in this one.

Family is over and the house is full of food and smiles and I take the time to say thanks for eveyrone I've met and loved in the past, and will continue to love in the future, and all I love now. There's a lot to love.

The wind broke loose of its chains and flew through me.

Such a cold, filling air, reminding me of old flash memories and warm feelings and bright views of the world.

Thank You,