"It is exactly because you think you are not ready, that you are ready."

Everything has changed.

I met you in a firm stare, an unmoving stance in the ground that held me upright. You were the new glance before my eyes, and I was not intrigued at the beginning. You tried to make me come forward with your sneaking words and playful smiles, and I had none of it. Friendship was something I treasured, lust was abhorred.

I stayed this way for a while, and you drifted. Sometimes returning. Always dismissed. I had bigger things to keep me held high with my head beaming with sunshine and heart in the clouds. They still are, technically, but after a while things started to change. You became quite appealing to me, as I let myself succumb to you, knowing full well the consequences, even though nothing had happened yet. We became the pair of my dreams and you made me feel alive in love, the kind of love one sees with their eyes and feels in their stomach, but not the full kind of Love I had always perservered before. Within months we had a relationship that was the kind I normally detested and strayed from. But I was hooked, you had caught me in your net and I was a fish trying to get away, but at the same time, wanting to come ever closer.

My feet were on the move at this point. I had removed myself from my patch of sunlight and wandered into the shade. You knew all the right words to entice me and lead me to your pleasures and desires. Instant gratification was something we both knew well together. I hadn't allowed you to carry out your ways the first time, but the second time when I felt your lips on mine I knew it was over. I couldn't pull away, if I had an ounce of strength or back bone in me, I would've left you long ago, you knew where I stood but I broke myself down for you. A broken heart has always lead me to rash decisions and trying to fill empty holes. I thought you could replace the patch in my heart but I knew you would only be a breeze flowing through the hole, never landing, never building a foundation to last.

And then I remembered how you made your way here and how we touched and I knew my streak was over and I'd never be able to take it back. I couldn't recover my innocence that I'd slowly been rebuilding over the years. It's my fault. I led you in, you led me in, I am lost and need to be found. Its my fault. I've failed You. Everything hurts me. Everything kills me. Why couldn't I have been wiser? Why did I have to give in? I was doing so well. I was on the honour roll. I had such a bright life with an amazing amount of blessings and I've ruined everything. All because of you. Dammit, I shouldn't have faltered over you. You aren't worth it, I'm plenty aware, but why can't I pull away?

This blows so hard.