All consuming fire

post commenced on august 21st, i was a tad late on publishing this draft, forgive the warped timing, although its likely none of my blogging minions will have even noticed or cared.

*
last night i went to youth, seemed like any other night, lots of my friends came out, it was great to see everyone after almost a week hahah. sat with deline during service and lolled at pastor mike's incredible unorginization on handling his sermon, good times, it was a good message though. good times. good laughs.

then i had a talk with rebeckah on life, faith, and situations where God was turning our lives around. well mostly hers. i discovered how much i didn't observe God at work in my life and what He does on a regular basis that affects every experience and event to come. the very path i walk on is so blurry its amazing how i haven't even bothered to ask where i'm going or for any guidance, yet her faith amazed me beyond belief. it was really something to look up to. her words proved to be a huge light to me and it really blessed my heart and mind and i'm still affected by it. it exposed my laziness and lack of perserverance in the Lord lately and how i really don't care about him at all anymore. i used to be so close, so strong in Christ and have drifted from the narrow road. what is this caused by? wrong friends? television? godless media ive been watching?
undoubtedly it is all because of me, falling into sin and well hidden temptation. thankfully the Spirit who dwells within me still whispers the still small voice to my heart whenever i succumb to these kinds of things, i havent shut it out completely, thank you Grace. i still have hope left. i still have room to turn around.

you're listening even now
at a time of spiritual neutrality and weakness

i am drawing near

Death is the road to awe

i returned from my trip to grand bend this afternoon, after my dad picked me up from Macey's in the lovely, historical rural town of Harrow, Ontario. there was a hoop in my nose that my father winced at (even though he knew about it and so did mama, they thought i would get a stud and not a piece of jewlery that made me look like "an african tribal person") , i had a wicked tan, dirty hair and itchy feet. the ride home was lovely. corn fields and concession roads put a new peace in me that i can't find in my city home. city kid. i've always been one of those. it runs in my blood. the smog, the constant traffic noises, convenience in a surplus, and so on. anyways. coming home reflecting on the past week. Grand Bended it with a few of my good/best friends. Macey, Lauren, Raoul, Clay, Brandon and Joshy. real good times were had. always laughs bouncin off the walls in that cottage. beached it quite a bit, i'm so dark now, didn't think it would happen this way, it was only two days that i was outside all day, at our little ipperwash beach, with our specific spot on the sand where we put our towels and stuff, our area of the water where we frolicked and played chicken. our never-fulfilled bets of brandon crossing over the Indian border of the beach, where the reserve was. raoul always telling brandon to shut up or insult him with crude mental disabilities as insults and keeping each other up crying laughing and causing the rest of us to join them until 1 in the morning and waking up macey's parents. clay doing a tribal dance in the morning while making breakfast while wearing an apron. me being socially inept and reading all the books on the shelf in the cottage while eveyrone went out night shopping at the Strip.

it was definitely a time for mulling over thoughts in my head that needed to be mulled over, evaluated, resolved and released. however the release may prove to be harder for me. i always dwell. i always regret.

anyways drew to about a thousand authentic and amazing conclusions this week and i'm so thankful for the grace i received to do so.
1. i'm finally over you, thank God. you were just a waste of time and not a wise decision to nearly lend you my heart. thannkkk God, again. he helped me see through this one.
2. the two cultures and identities of my life and how much i delight in their unison, however rarely it happens, may prove to be prophetic in regards to my future and what i may be apart of in this life, in my generation, my world.
3. i'm caring about money, but never loving it more than i should. paying more attention to crucial things in life, like feeding the hungry and clothing the naked. though i severely lack the will or empathy to stand up and fulfill these things set out to me in the Word, i will seek and pray on this and find out what i'm destined to do about fulfilling these scriptures that convict my heart to the greatest shame its felt in a while.

i always lie awake sometimes and think about all the things i DONT do for God.
the things i'm supposed to, no one in this western world seems to care about anything they should, i just wonder, should i bother? is it in my path? is it my destiny? am i oto young? i don't make any money i don't even have a bank account, how can i change the world? how can i make a difference to a starving child?
sometimes i find i don't even care about a starving child. deep down i know it's obviously wrong and heartbreaking but i can't seem to bring that feeling up to my heart and let the thoughts turn into action and deed.

anyways. the past week i've been spending time with God and i didn't even know it. thoughts were unfolded to me and the pleasant surprises never cease to amaze me, sometimes i can't pick apart which are my thoughts and which are His, but you know, i think the wholly good ones are from a wholly good Being. which isn't me.

it feels good not to be bound to you any longer.

anyways.. i think my walk with God lacks a lot..well i KNOW it does..and i'm never doing enough to change it for the better...i have to sek, i'm running out of free time..

there are so many times to stop and pick apart what's really going on here

i'll put an artical that describes me head to foot here sometime

maybe everyone will understand just exactly what i'm like and how i feel and how i think and consider some things in life.. but never fully, no, they wont know..

going back to my topic of grand bend, we played uno all week, it was the main game to play, also watched some good movies, ps i love you which ihadn't seen before, the happening which apparently sucked. baby mama was good. pretty funny. joshy plays the most amazing music on guitar, i think he's my new favourite acoustic musician, i could have sat there and listened to him all day, me and lauren would stop talking and tune in whenever he picked up brandon's guitar, it was so lovely. walking down our street to Ipperwash beach. smelled like crap at the top of the hill but then went away. grand bend was amazing, the beach there reminded me of Florida, nearly white sand, hoardes of people and giant waves begging to be jumped and frolicked through, which we all happily obliged to doing. i got so brown that day, it was marvelous. shopping on the strip, getting my nose pierced, quite painful, macey came with me, she was more nervous than i was, however the pain was unreal, but i tanked it out, came out with "hardware" as she called it, felt woozy but i guess its cool. now the rents want me to replace it with a stud, they hate the hoop, we're inquiring around town soon, before any family gatherings come up, hahaha. hopefully it can be done, and i don't have to take it out for good, all that money and pain down the drain, no good.

oh well. the experience is there.

death cab's "Transatlantacism" has been on for the past couple hours and its been lulling me to sleep ever since, its a wonder i haven't passsed out right here, its high time i start packing it in, but we have room for one more thought process to flow out into the interwebs.

i have so much regret in me how do i get rid of it all...? am i supposed to regret past decisions in my life as a Christian? would Jesus smile upon me regretting my sins? ive heard many sides to this, some like"well everything youve done has led you to who you are now" which is true but i still wish i hadn't done a horrible sin against God...oh well..i'll get it straight one day. one day. just seek. oh God i'm praying for you to help me through this school year, the stress will be more ominous than any ther high school year and its almost here, help me through it,
i need to focus on you,
my lack of faithfulness has gone on too long,
i'm taking a step out of the boat.


good night land of people, keep your dreams by your side and your God in your heart and the truth in your head. never be led astray.

the world is our ____

IF ONLY I COULD DESCRIBE!!!!

every time an About Me box comes before me i end up changing it and pondering abot it four hundred times without being satisfied with the result for long.

my mind is truly a gift.
i've been set apart,
it reaches past so many boundaries that everyone else would never dream of thinking about, even if they don't realise it.

my dreams are reality to me and reality is a dream

the world i escape to so often in my mind is a place that i believe exists and the laws and concepts there are fully real. dimensions. realms. colours. abilities, lights, God is there and he knows that i dream of so much more than the normal human being.

the vision is astounding

if i took a look through your mind, what would i find?

would you bother to care about the complexities and REALness of life?
would you stop and wonder what was REALLY going on?
what was REALLY the motive behind a situation or the slightest glance or twitch?

the short phrases and misleading words are clear as day to me

people are my favourite books.

they are so much fun to analyze, determine, mull over, bend, shape, predict, envision, to evaluate their dna from their facial structure to their fingers to their heels and their special dialect that they can call their own

everything is wonderfully fascinating when you put your mind to it

although this is something that, as much as i'd like to share it, i wouldn't want anyone else to have the gift i have

i love to forsee the future in ways that i "invent" in my mind and just THINK about the things that no one else would bother thinking about.

the complexities of the universe are too mesmerising for me to dismiss as something beyond my comprehension

i love it all, i can't wait to go on an exploration through the stars with my God someday
i'll say i've seen something like this! he'll agree, it'll be a grand time

i probably sound insane or really drugged up
but i'm not

i may be a hippie with my words
but its all real
its happening, i am alive up here, my heart and my mind are pushing past the boundaries of the universe as far as they can go

even if it isn't far, for us, it is

God has given me such a wonderful gift!

thank You for giving me the sight to see things that everyone else misses or skims over on their walk through life

i appreciate this more than anyone knows

this is why i love being alone
my thoughts are such an adventure
i can do whateer i want and not need anyone by my side

such a thrill to be alone
just me and my Creator
my Spirit resounding words i cannot utter within me
orchestrating music i cannot sing or compose
emitting such a light that is too bright to see
creating a noise that is too loud to hear

its beautiful
your work is mighty and i won't understand everything until i meet you

and i love where you've taken me


maybe i'm really a prophet after all, do they all have visions that seem out of this world?

they probably are anyway

dang you

im so upset that ive let my heart drink you in like a glass of red wine

you're killing the views i know i should hold true to

either way i know you'll come out of this alive and somehow he'll make you his

but you're not the one for me and if you were something would have happened by now
you hold the attributes i once thought were strong in a man and now i see they're weak and will lead to your demise

you're just like me! my old me! its you, its me, this is his way of showing me you're in a rut no matter how much you don't like hearing it

although i appreciate your curiosity of the divine more than you know! keep questioning! keep grilling the toughest christians you know, it will sharpen you, it sharpens us too.

believe me this is not a bad decision
we're here and we love YOU for who YOU are
just like he does
its good, he's good, turn to him, it will be the one thing that saves you in this life.

thats legit.

BRING THE FIRE OUT

i know a revival is happening!

its been stirring within me for a while
not sure how long
but i've been of my path with God for a little bit before the summer and during the summer and i've been trying to turn to Him through everything and its paying off and i have every reason to celebrate!

You just make me want to sit and gaze at creation for hours!

just feeling you in the air gives me the warmth ive come to love so much
it covers me head to toe
im convinced its your love!


i know it is
these are the moments where i feel so driven by purpose and meaning

i just wish i could lose all these needs that bring me down

you're the sky and anchor of my being

ah, the pain

of gums, and such, as well as boys.
well one.
yeahh that one, i knew what i was getting into, i could see everything that was going to happen but i did it anyway, well you're living in my mind now what can i do, i've done it to myself

but the thing is you're always here
and i've chased down gold and silver and love and lust
upon the face of the earth and all of its wonders
nothing
compares
to
You

Glorious

the pain life has hit hard within the past 3 moons or so
wisdom teeth came out on monday and the actual surg went well but as for the pain, well if my teeth were wise theyd let me off the hook by now, the other night i woke up crying, heish man, four holes in my gums can't look too good right about now
now there are strings hanging suspended in my mouth and i'd like to just take them but but that wouldn't be the best call

real dialogue today in coney island in a rad mall in michigan for lunch:
mom: "so hows your pita?"
me: "well i'm trying to distinguish between the lettuce and my stitches"

excellent.

LIBERALLY INDENTINGGG


britni and macey made me jello today for youth tomorrow, HURRAH, orange gelatin goodness can't wait fo it. yeauh

anyways this week besides the ominous pain in my mouth and having to walk around with frozen green bean package on my cheeks (by tomorrow i should hope to end this ritual, my family thinks i'm pitiful, i must regain my post on the totem pole of respect in this house!) , everything is looking up as usual and i am taking the time to reflect on life in general.
today went shopping in the states with mom and ma soeur. went well. did some damage. although not really, however, did get some gnarly tank tops, a rad bra with the coolest colours on it, white blue and pinkish stripes, how patriotic. umm or not .. erhh.. yeah anyways, shopping was coo, i was a bit miserable because my sister cleaned up better than i did, and my mouth was reallll soresies, so i couldnt yell as much as i would have liked, but i dealeded. maybe tomorrow we'll hit up winners. mom offered to go to toronto to shop tomorrow and i didnt wanna cause i wanted to go to youth..maybe i should have taken that offer..ohwell she'll go back again next friday cause she's off ... no more worrying for me..

so yes

TOMORROW, i may begin packing, begin getting stokdededed, and then youth later in the night wiff macey britni and this time hasko is joining teh parteh, oh boii... i wish wcf youth were more legit than it is.. it can get so weird and culty sometimes...for real...parkwood is so much better...a whole lot more of JESUS goin on there than wcf... by faarr. i wish more people would realise this.

then saturday going to macey's with rebeckahhhhh i believe, i really hope naomi comes too, that would be awesometastic. sleepin over der, then, church at wcf (yay-_-) then GRAND BENND til thursday , whats with these teens getting plastered on beaches ??, don't they know they're live bait for being rape victims of other beachgoers.. jezzzzz

what a wonderful lifeeee
all i need now is to rid myself of the stitches in my bouche
and everything else will be so much finnnerr

newclothes = new hop in my step
although i already walk with a bounce
so this may
just
make
everything
better


unorthodox spacing, its a weird, informal night for this noob writer.
coo.

misunderstanding

there is a great yearning to draw closer to my God
yet theres been so much bombarding me constantly that i turn to instead of You
meaningless, everything, all these things are meaningless
not one is more worthy of my time than You
i let these thoughts sink in, penetrate me to the bone and depths of my soul
but it doesn't seem to make a difference
i am drowning in my own ocean that i have jumped into at my will
Grace, i am so undeserving
you're there, you care
but how could you give a forty-third, or maybe two hundred and-seventh chance to a lonely, desolate girl so desperately trying to repent and release from the sins of her life
for these wounds remain deep and i know the error of my ways
but i can't let go of the world thats pulling me in
down, down into the pit, the smooth rolling path to darkness
and i succumb
"Delight in Giving! do not Give grudgingly or out of necessity, but out of the joy of your heart and the love of God manifested in you, and what you give out, you will recieve back the same measure!"
the simplest words, the hardest actions to carry out.
i act in anger and callousness to the ones i love most.
i just harshly the ones i don't know at all and the ones closest to me.
do i ever go without judging anyone?
i love so deeply when i do love, and now it seems to lead to my demise
i love the ones who are wrong for me
the ones who have dragged me to this empty state


haven't i heard the words before? haven't i been taught the way out?
haven't i grown up in the house of my Father where all my life's guidelines were laid before me with lovingkindness and vision for the future?
when will i learn?

i feel like you're so far away and i'm here stuck in this wretched state of mind and spirit.

the narrow road seems to small for me to enter
or maybe its because im trying to squeeze the bags of rubbish i'm carrying through it at the same time.

the act of letting go

help loose the vices, help cure my diseases
this seems too much, i fail unceasingly
there seems to be no hope for me
although i know you're on my mind all the time
i continue to hear words of wisdom from others, even though they're not directed at me
all i need are signs
all i need is to know you're going to get me through this
i'm holding you to it
you can't let go, it will be the end of me.

sin is the anchor holding me down

isn't there an easier way out than this?

this must be why you said, "few will find it."
well i'm going to press in
and i'll find that gate to the smallest path
the quiet way that the world looks over and never notices
and when i do i hope you help me through
all i want is to see your kingdom
many are called but few are chosen
i was chosen before i was born,
but as ive learned,
birthrights can be sold. for meaningless treasures.

tell me i haven't made the deal, tell me my soul is still recorded in your book
i need life after this
i need joy and unspeakable relief and love for eternity, not unfathomable pain and torment and blasphemy forever

tell me it's not too late

clean me up, show me how to live

take me out of this dreadful ocean of apathy and despair
the willingnses to let go is something i need now more than ever


my heart feels far from yours
take notice of my feeble hands
hold them, hold me close, lead the way, carry me Grace, across the ocean of doubt and despair.

i'm asking for your forgiveness
for my lack of faithfulness

i'm asking
for your
forgiveness

such a lack of faithfulness

rock bottom feels too apathetic
where do i go

only you know the thoughts in my head and can speak to me the perfect words i need to hear
work your glorious ways and show me i'm not alone
tell me there's something after this trial
what is this trial anyways?
am i complaining about something that's not there?
or should i be concerned?
to regret, or not regret?
choices have lead me to this point, but what if certain things i've done i wish i could take back?
is it wrong?

you know me inside out
now please, take these prayers from a lonely, apathetic, graceless girl,
who needs love, who wants love, who wants to show compassion and hope and joy and giving and mercy wherever needed.
the spirit must manifest in me at some point.
in due time
you circle the sky and wait for the greatest moment to set in

i hardly know the thoughts in my own head
i hope some are Yours

thank you for paying attention

when i feel no one else does.

when i feel like no one cares,
you look down on me and smile.

all i need
is a little

perserverance