i returned from my trip to grand bend this afternoon, after my dad picked me up from Macey's in the lovely, historical rural town of Harrow, Ontario. there was a hoop in my nose that my father winced at (even though he knew about it and so did mama, they thought i would get a stud and not a piece of jewlery that made me look like "an african tribal person") , i had a wicked tan, dirty hair and itchy feet. the ride home was lovely. corn fields and concession roads put a new peace in me that i can't find in my city home. city kid. i've always been one of those. it runs in my blood. the smog, the constant traffic noises, convenience in a surplus, and so on. anyways. coming home reflecting on the past week. Grand Bended it with a few of my good/best friends. Macey, Lauren, Raoul, Clay, Brandon and Joshy. real good times were had. always laughs bouncin off the walls in that cottage. beached it quite a bit, i'm so dark now, didn't think it would happen this way, it was only two days that i was outside all day, at our little ipperwash beach, with our specific spot on the sand where we put our towels and stuff, our area of the water where we frolicked and played chicken. our never-fulfilled bets of brandon crossing over the Indian border of the beach, where the reserve was. raoul always telling brandon to shut up or insult him with crude mental disabilities as insults and keeping each other up crying laughing and causing the rest of us to join them until 1 in the morning and waking up macey's parents. clay doing a tribal dance in the morning while making breakfast while wearing an apron. me being socially inept and reading all the books on the shelf in the cottage while eveyrone went out night shopping at the Strip.
it was definitely a time for mulling over thoughts in my head that needed to be mulled over, evaluated, resolved and released. however the release may prove to be harder for me. i always dwell. i always regret.
anyways drew to about a thousand authentic and amazing conclusions this week and i'm so thankful for the grace i received to do so.
1. i'm finally over you, thank God. you were just a waste of time and not a wise decision to nearly lend you my heart. thannkkk God, again. he helped me see through this one.
2. the two cultures and identities of my life and how much i delight in their unison, however rarely it happens, may prove to be prophetic in regards to my future and what i may be apart of in this life, in my generation, my world.
3. i'm caring about money, but never loving it more than i should. paying more attention to crucial things in life, like feeding the hungry and clothing the naked. though i severely lack the will or empathy to stand up and fulfill these things set out to me in the Word, i will seek and pray on this and find out what i'm destined to do about fulfilling these scriptures that convict my heart to the greatest shame its felt in a while.
i always lie awake sometimes and think about all the things i DONT do for God.
the things i'm supposed to, no one in this western world seems to care about anything they should, i just wonder, should i bother? is it in my path? is it my destiny? am i oto young? i don't make any money i don't even have a bank account, how can i change the world? how can i make a difference to a starving child?
sometimes i find i don't even care about a starving child. deep down i know it's obviously wrong and heartbreaking but i can't seem to bring that feeling up to my heart and let the thoughts turn into action and deed.
anyways. the past week i've been spending time with God and i didn't even know it. thoughts were unfolded to me and the pleasant surprises never cease to amaze me, sometimes i can't pick apart which are my thoughts and which are His, but you know, i think the wholly good ones are from a wholly good Being. which isn't me.
it feels good not to be bound to you any longer.
anyways.. i think my walk with God lacks a lot..well i KNOW it does..and i'm never doing enough to change it for the better...i have to sek, i'm running out of free time..
there are so many times to stop and pick apart what's really going on here
i'll put an artical that describes me head to foot here sometime
maybe everyone will understand just exactly what i'm like and how i feel and how i think and consider some things in life.. but never fully, no, they wont know..
going back to my topic of grand bend, we played uno all week, it was the main game to play, also watched some good movies, ps i love you which ihadn't seen before, the happening which apparently sucked. baby mama was good. pretty funny. joshy plays the most amazing music on guitar, i think he's my new favourite acoustic musician, i could have sat there and listened to him all day, me and lauren would stop talking and tune in whenever he picked up brandon's guitar, it was so lovely. walking down our street to Ipperwash beach. smelled like crap at the top of the hill but then went away. grand bend was amazing, the beach there reminded me of Florida, nearly white sand, hoardes of people and giant waves begging to be jumped and frolicked through, which we all happily obliged to doing. i got so brown that day, it was marvelous. shopping on the strip, getting my nose pierced, quite painful, macey came with me, she was more nervous than i was, however the pain was unreal, but i tanked it out, came out with "hardware" as she called it, felt woozy but i guess its cool. now the rents want me to replace it with a stud, they hate the hoop, we're inquiring around town soon, before any family gatherings come up, hahaha. hopefully it can be done, and i don't have to take it out for good, all that money and pain down the drain, no good.
oh well. the experience is there.
death cab's "Transatlantacism" has been on for the past couple hours and its been lulling me to sleep ever since, its a wonder i haven't passsed out right here, its high time i start packing it in, but we have room for one more thought process to flow out into the interwebs.
i have so much regret in me how do i get rid of it all...? am i supposed to regret past decisions in my life as a Christian? would Jesus smile upon me regretting my sins? ive heard many sides to this, some like"well everything youve done has led you to who you are now" which is true but i still wish i hadn't done a horrible sin against God...oh well..i'll get it straight one day. one day. just seek. oh God i'm praying for you to help me through this school year, the stress will be more ominous than any ther high school year and its almost here, help me through it,
i need to focus on you,
my lack of faithfulness has gone on too long,
i'm taking a step out of the boat.
good night land of people, keep your dreams by your side and your God in your heart and the truth in your head. never be led astray.
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