hello again

well, i haven't been here in some time. i guess i've been caught up in life, school, tumblr, roleplaying, watching shows and reading a ton of books...

i don't even know where to begin to write :/

i think my self esteem has gone up a considerable amount and i've matured when it comes to friendships and clinging to people and caring about what they think which i can safely say i've STOPPED doing entirely!!!!!!! thank God! life feels so much better this way. so detached. ahhhhhh

but there are days when i feel super shitty and dont think before i speak

i mean i embarrass myself daily but hey that's life and "humility is good for the soul" (well what if you can never get over it? i guess that's a flaw i must overcome because after all women always look back and it holds me back so fuck that i'll learn to drop it)

ugh too much to write at once

and nothing is presently coming to mind coherently

i cant wait for my life to start, it still feels like it hasn't.

i wonder when, and how, and why, and where.

so many things aren't in my life yet and i dont even know what to say about it.

theres nothing to articulate

just plain old me with the most of the same old problems

God give me clarity...

i wish i had the backbone to own up to what ive been doing for so many years.

i wish i had the strength to fix everything by one conversation.

i wish i was not so weak as to cower back and hope i can fix everything by baby steps in the right direction.

i wish it was so easy for everything to be remedied.

i wish i wasn't such a failure.

i wish i had never molded myself into this wretched mindset that has not left me alone but grown after so many years.

i wish i had strength.

i wish i didn't have to do this alone.

but i know it's all my fault, so unfortunately, this is what i am faced with.

i just don't want to do it alone.

i'm so alone.

Un.be.lievable.

how is it that until now, i had NO vision of what i really looked like in such situations? how is it i had NO, absolutely NO understanding of my erratic behaviour? HOW HOW HOW? why now? why now when so much is so deeply embedded in everyone's impressions? how has obliviousness been so enormous in its impact on my brain? HOW HOW HOW HOW HOW HOW???

i dont get it . there are many things i dont get but this is probably the biggest one. how does it unveil only now? some odd ten years later? how?

seriously

i UNDERSTAND how ive been for many years now. recently ive had countless epiphanies and realizations about it. i never knew how bad it was before. I GET IT NOW.

but for some reason you're all making it much harder for me to turn around than it should be.

WHY? am i literally THE LEAST understood person on the earth? not even my frickin mother understands my thoughts. or why i do the things i do. or even something as simple as undergoing a change of thought but an inability to do anything about it with effortless ease.

PEOPLE ARE RIDICULOUS. even my family has let me down.

anyone i know could write a BOOK about someone they know, come to their defense no matter what the issue, explaining exactly why they're doing the things they're doing even if they aren't around. no one knows whats going on inside my head and they all think i'm a lot colder than i am. it's bull shit. NO ONE GETS ME.

UGHHHH SOOOOOOOO BEYOND FRUSTRATED!

i have prayed over this like, why would you suggest that to me? DONT PATRONIZE ME DAMNN i know a hell of a lot better than you think! im so fed up with this shit

ya i never wanted it to end up this way but if im mad, dont expect me to speak calmly, expect me to release my feelings in verbal communication the best i know how, which is not very well, because THAT is how I WAS MADE. to communicate through WRITING and ART. am i going to write on a notepad or paint for our conversations? i dont think so.

this is so stupid and just ugh fuck you all for giving me this shit all the time

pissed as hell

discipline and truth and positivity

thats what im made up of

i guess it's a rare commodity nowadays eh? just trying to be that figure in my friends lives.... to the best i know how. im only looking out for you. i cant help it. but you need to realize what you're doing isn't good. ahakghdjhkjgsh

O_O jeeze louise

calm down bro!

yiikessss

bitches gonna bitch

how could you have made a mistake like that anyway? who writes something where a mistake is BOUND to happen? uggh

i may hate this part of you more than anything, but for the first time today i realized i should become more like her, and not you.

that way it will be only you who is ill tempered, and no one to blame, and you will not get away with it.

i am now waiting on you to apologize. i most certainly will not treat you with respect until you do. foolish bastard. learn something. be a man. you're an immature little boy with no self control. and that's what you've made me (cept a girl).

i blame you for this fault of mine, it is my biggest one.

its your fault.

now change it. take it back. i hate this part of you and what its done to me and all of us. i hate it. i resent you so much its ridiculous. if i had a choice in the matter, i'm sure i'd pick another father over you anyday.