Un.be.lievable.

how is it that until now, i had NO vision of what i really looked like in such situations? how is it i had NO, absolutely NO understanding of my erratic behaviour? HOW HOW HOW? why now? why now when so much is so deeply embedded in everyone's impressions? how has obliviousness been so enormous in its impact on my brain? HOW HOW HOW HOW HOW HOW???

i dont get it . there are many things i dont get but this is probably the biggest one. how does it unveil only now? some odd ten years later? how?