i wish i had the backbone to own up to what ive been doing for so many years.

i wish i had the strength to fix everything by one conversation.

i wish i was not so weak as to cower back and hope i can fix everything by baby steps in the right direction.

i wish it was so easy for everything to be remedied.

i wish i wasn't such a failure.

i wish i had never molded myself into this wretched mindset that has not left me alone but grown after so many years.

i wish i had strength.

i wish i didn't have to do this alone.

but i know it's all my fault, so unfortunately, this is what i am faced with.

i just don't want to do it alone.

i'm so alone.

Un.be.lievable.

how is it that until now, i had NO vision of what i really looked like in such situations? how is it i had NO, absolutely NO understanding of my erratic behaviour? HOW HOW HOW? why now? why now when so much is so deeply embedded in everyone's impressions? how has obliviousness been so enormous in its impact on my brain? HOW HOW HOW HOW HOW HOW???

i dont get it . there are many things i dont get but this is probably the biggest one. how does it unveil only now? some odd ten years later? how?

seriously

i UNDERSTAND how ive been for many years now. recently ive had countless epiphanies and realizations about it. i never knew how bad it was before. I GET IT NOW.

but for some reason you're all making it much harder for me to turn around than it should be.

WHY? am i literally THE LEAST understood person on the earth? not even my frickin mother understands my thoughts. or why i do the things i do. or even something as simple as undergoing a change of thought but an inability to do anything about it with effortless ease.

PEOPLE ARE RIDICULOUS. even my family has let me down.

anyone i know could write a BOOK about someone they know, come to their defense no matter what the issue, explaining exactly why they're doing the things they're doing even if they aren't around. no one knows whats going on inside my head and they all think i'm a lot colder than i am. it's bull shit. NO ONE GETS ME.

UGHHHH SOOOOOOOO BEYOND FRUSTRATED!

i have prayed over this like, why would you suggest that to me? DONT PATRONIZE ME DAMNN i know a hell of a lot better than you think! im so fed up with this shit

ya i never wanted it to end up this way but if im mad, dont expect me to speak calmly, expect me to release my feelings in verbal communication the best i know how, which is not very well, because THAT is how I WAS MADE. to communicate through WRITING and ART. am i going to write on a notepad or paint for our conversations? i dont think so.

this is so stupid and just ugh fuck you all for giving me this shit all the time

pissed as hell