Makin the switch !

To tumblr.
Woo!
catch me here www.yeahtomboy.tumblr.com
(url is prone to change daily until i actually really like something hahaha)

peace out blogspot ! you've been good to me, but tumblr is funner
hehe
perhaps ill post on the occasion
switch back and forth
but yeah know
the times they are a changin

You'd never believe me if I told you

The things I'd say would blow your ears away

It's a shame how completely blanketed the world is from the governing figures that keep the system strong and empowered. 99% of the world is controlled by 1% of the population and yet they have maintained a state of control and unanimous mindsets that is unmatched in a great multitude of people who are otherwise intelligent and reasonable-minded. The fact is that one thinks he knows enough to get him by and that everything can be taken as is at face value. There could be conspiracies, he says, why, of course, who am I to say there aren't-- probably an untold past story or hidden truth here and there, but why should I be bothered, I live a good life and my heart is content in my luxurious little world.

I tend to think differently.

THE LIES THAT HAVE YET TO BE RIPPED OUT OF THE DARKNESS!

We Stand At The Door Of Redeeming Grace

I'm forcing myself to write (right now) because I feel like this is the only way I can successfully reflect on my emotions in past or present time, and be able to really evaluate them so I can change.

Everything in me is heavy and broken. I have so much burdening my spirit and heart that I am seen as a horrible person on the inside with no control over her impulses to react in anger and impatience. I am bitter, condescending and judgmental. I have so many problems in me it's really staggering and I've internalised them for so long, I don't know what to do with them. They've all become so common to me I've never really stopped and thought about them. This past couple months I've become aware of almost every sin I hold that I need to let go of. Some of them I've been bound to for several years. There has never been a full recovery of these. I've been known to be impatient, intolerant and judgmental since I was almost a preteen. I treat my sister like garbage half the time and I haven't told my dad I love him in sincerity in years.. it's always a mumble, suppressed by fear and uncertainty. I've never known why I feel like I have to shield my love for everyone, especially the ones closest to me. I feel like I need to have a tough exterior (this was built by me when I was younger) and so openly telling people I love them to their face is a near impossibility for me. How sad! Not without going red in the face and looking at the floor and mumbling can I tell my own parents I love them. This should sicken me far more than it does, but I suppose I should be preparing for my upcoming confession within the next week, I hope. I really have no idea how this is possibly going to change for me, since it is all that I am used to. I've literally never fully recovered from any of these sins I've held on to for basically my whole life-- I've certainly felt awful about them, cried about it, heard countless lectures and pleadings from my mother and father to change, when is enough!??! Do I really need a divine intervention for me to truly cease this ruthless person in me? I honestly can't understand why it's so impossible for me to stop doing what I'm doing. If it's really as simple as starting to apologize, taking a step up, shedding my fears and anxieties and changing every day, then I must be the biggest epic fail to walk the planet. I'm a horrible christian, by the grace of God and his near boundless patience I will recover from these hideous baggages of my soul. Ahghgh. I've caused so much hurt. I need to stop. I'm too bound up. I need deliverance. And I have no idea how far I'll have to go to get it.

But one day I wanna know for a fact that I'm saved from it
and those feelings and behaviours will never have domain over me again

I need that to clear my head

My heart is so heavy, where is the light burden of which you speak of?

If I could post an ad of myself to the entire world..

Just to let you all know,
I'm the weirdest person ever,
I am in my own world more than the real world,
And I want to be a pirate when I grow up.
Savvy?















JUST LIKE THIS

Wistful

Everyone I know holds love in their hands
They have the feeling all around them
They are swept up in a world of affection
And I take it all in
Happy and lonely
Lost in my realm of solitude
It's not that I don't like it here
But I could sometimes use
Just a double more
Company.

Love, where shall I find you?

the secret reality

I would never be so hurt over the things you say to me, if you didn't mean so much to me.

But I guess I must have hurt you too.


And I am so sorry.

for shame

you're still up to your old antics

that is pathetic

my head is full.

i don't know how things are going to work out.
i hope i can make it up to you...



i always screw everything up and realise months later that it could have turned out amazingly if it wasn't for my stupid actions, ughhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I am sick with rage

Why can't you leave me alone
Why can't you step off and realise
I do not bow to you
and your opinions are ridiculous but I don't argue them
but you argue all of mine,
or at least mock them.

I wish i could turn my cheek to you
but you make it so difficult


I need to keep peace a lot better than this..

I am saying NO

to everything ungodly
again
like i used to
cutting out everything
that isn't from the Lord
i don't care how old school or extreme that sounds
it's the truth
and that's the only way i can get back to purity in my life again
almost every biblical concept, story, verse is foreign to me now
church is something i never go to anymore because my family is busy a lot of the time and we haven't gone for a while for no good reason at all.
it changes now,
i'm devoting to the word and steadfast prayer again
because i have become godless lately
not so much as leaving God willingly but letting the world take over my interests too much.

i don't know anything anymore..
i need to get more involved!!!
blahh, this sucks
but i need these lessons in life
i need disciplining

oh Lord you chasten the ones you love, i just hope i'm still one of them

leave this place

depart from this world
start a crusade on my own
in my desired world of refuge
that no one else can join
they only look on
in a confused and ignorant state
i parade in a fantasy of adventure
i'm a pirate! and none of you can stop me!
the land is mine!
the sea! the wind!
off with impossibility; i win wars and battle thousands.
warrior to be reckoned with,
cunning and impeccable skills in rhetoric
they do not stand close to me
i am my own
but yet, i never was.
i live at ease with this
and continue on,
fighting
flying
smiling as the sunset swallows me up as i set forth across my noble steed;
my noble sea

my favourite place that never was,
but could someday be

I need to stop lusting after you.

Get out of my head.





please..

Plane crash dreams

Hey Mr. Common Sense,
Won't you help me break this fence
down?

Oh God, I'm sinking in
Right back into
My sins.

Holy crow

my psyche hurts.
that last post was a doozy.. the mind is for sure drained

anyways, tomorrow is gonna be really good, I'm super pumped about it.
Famjams are my favourite, especially slava's, best times ever
sent clare a picture of a pig's head we use for table centerpieces, mmm mm
needless to say, vegetarians give the most amusing reactions to that sort of thing
I love being serb, it gives me an excuse to gross out pretty much anyone non-foreign that i know :)

How i've missed you, dobrich clan <3

upsetness.

Forever wasn't something i've always wanted
i felt so rooted here, alone, content, free to do what i wanted,
then my heart set in and took me over
the world was set before me, a rich canvas of colour and materials that overtook me
all i wanted was to feel free.
all i wanted was to feel redeemed.


I've always felt like I was blessed,
in a way that I've been put high up on a faraway cliff that wasn't hidden, but no one bothered to look at because they were too concerned with fumbling about their lives upon solid ground.
I look down upon the masses and observe.
I survey the people I know and love, or at least try to love.
I see peoples' pain and their struggles and apprehend their emotions, their motives, all the milling of their minds and the staggering of their souls. They press on, they try, they give up. Some never do. Some always do. Some see the sunlight awaiting them outside the pitchblack cave of hopelessness, some refuse to accept that there is a sun at all.
I mean not to remove myself from the pain that humans suffer.
I have dealt with such great heaviness of heart and near shattering of mind that it's a wonder my soul has not shattered somewhere along my lifespan.
I bear a heavy heart most days, though I like to keep it hidden.
But yet the pain of others around me, surrounding my being, my soul, all I can do is look around and give a solemn face to those who weep. I see through to their hearts and pick out the details of their sorrows. I understand it. I hold it in my hands and stare upwards, wondering what in God's name to do with it. I have the words in my mind but no utterance to give them.

What are we all to do now, then?
I seem to have the thought that I have been so set apart that my existence is almost cosmic, galactic, transcending most souls anywhere. I must force myself to believe this cannot be the case. It's too egotistical..

Sometimes when I hurt, I get a very strange feeling. My soul feels moved outside of its regular position, from when I am in great happiness, which is a great amount of the time, praise God. But when I am upset, so down on myself and the earth around me, there is a movement inside me that cannot fully be explained, can never fully be taught or fixed. I look to the skies and ask him, how I can get over the worthless object or person or abstract situation I am so heartbroken over. I know this is a problem I must get over, but at the same time, I need to stop and reflect about the state my soul is going through. In these times I feel there is no other better remedy (that is to say, to figure out exactly what mood I'm going through) than to put these feelings down in words. Words that flow from my soul. They probably don't make sense to anyone who tries to read them. The Lord understands, and I try to get something out of my inner groanings, but in hindsight I see these "memoirs" as great and powerful facts about my thoughts.

Getting back to the topic of hurting, I've always wondered what exactly was it, that got people most upset? What was the root of inner hurt? Certain aspects of our lives trigger conflict or joy. Could we ever even explain the war raging inside us on a day to day basis? Who is fighting against whom? What was the cause of this uproar? Are we ever at peace within ourselves? Is there anything that we can learn to accept and wholly move on from? Is there such a thing as self contentedness?

As I sit on this cliff in the whole of my mind, there is sun. There is sun everywhere, it is setting, but at the same time it will always be there, never leaving enough darkness to overpower the atmosphere. There is a wind. The wind is the most serene, calming, sweet and flowing breeze that has ever graced the human visage. The sea is immense and beautiful, but it does not inspire any fear from the onlooker. The colours above in the sky are yellow and pink and orange and blue, all mixed together so beautifully that it is too perfect to describe. The presence of God is so thick and tangible, you could wrap your arms around him anywhere. Looking out is the earth, the people, with their lives hurt and broken, as they stumble around, vision blurred by an outpouring of tears and makeup and hatred and desperation. We stumble. Falter. Curse. Spit at the wind. We hobble around, trying to make it by everyday. We scream at the skies and beg for answers, demanding to know where we went wrong, commanding Him to believe none of it is our fault, it was his, or hers, or theirs. But when we begin to feel the love seep back into our souls, a thick and healing serum to our scars and holes, spreading its restorative power back to our very being, there it gives us sustenance to continue on. We press on. We perservere, we seek the end, we run the race, we do it for the ones we love, we do it for ourselves, we do it for the one who loves us more than anyone could ever even fathom.

I am not apart from these feelings of feeling like a scum-crawling wretch from my head to my feet. I know, cause my feet have the scars to show. But I observe, and I understand.

Hope prevails. Love heals. Let the outpouring of the most pain you have ever felt in your life come out, scream it, cry your eyes out. It does heal. I know. I have never felt more alive than before I felt so close to death.

priorities

they're always always always set around making everyone happy all the time
and i'm so afraid of aggrivating people or having them disagree with me,
unless i know them really well, and vice versa
i need to put a stop to that
let honesty prevail
and be true to my own heart and upbringing.


changes in the air

everything is busy.

the season.
school.
schoolwork.
extracurricular stuff.
staying active.
keeping up with my leisure reading.
keeping up with reading the Word.
keeping up with church.
keeping up with making everyone happy.
trying to keep myself happy, when all i'm feeling is deserted, empty, fake, abandoned and lost.
this time around last year, i was in my prime.
school was school, still busy, but my life with God was fruitful and constantly growing.
up until a few months ago i was good as gold.
now i'm rusty and wheezy and i've lost my way
perhaps i should pick my head up out of the past and dive deeper into what i must become in the future.
i sound like a samurai..

i don't keep up with music anymore.
downloading albums, whatever.
it's okay. i've got a lot of music i haven't tired of, and a lot of radio tunes that keep my energy levels up

but it's all not enough

only You sustain me more than these hollow pleasures of the world

i can't think like this anymore.
my worst problems that have lasted for years haven't changed.
i'm a hypocrite and an idiot for chasing after what i should never fall for

BUT
this is where HE steps in
and i'm counting on him.

my heart will come full circle.

the perserverance begins,
the revolution is now

Remember when you knew who God was?

life was paradise on its own

Perplexities

Dear self,
Why do you happen to be so different from the rest of everyone?
Why do you alienate yourself from everything deemed 'normal' in this world today?
Why do you get uncomfortable talking about a plethora of things? Or talking on phones? Or making eye contact? Or confiding in past secrets?
Are you hiding?
Are you afraid?
Are you being pressured into changing into someone you're not?
Or are you someone you're not already?
Does it feel good?
Why have you been made so set apart?
Is it all bad, or is some of it good?
Why does it always make you feel like the world hates you, and you'll never find someone who will love you, or can barely believe that God does?
How do you possess such little faith in Him, when you claim to accept everything He says as truth? How can you fail to put all your trust and faith in Him, the only Being that deserves your trust in the entire universe?
How can you treat your family like dirt when they're all you'll ever need in life? And yet you treat your friends better?

Why do I feel like utter crap about myself lately
This blows

You can't be too careful anymore.

I settled down a twisted up frown disguised as a smile well, you would have never known.
I had it all but not what I wanted, 'cause hope for me was a place uncharted and overgrown.
You can't tell me to feel!
When all that is waiting for you, won't come any closer-

You've got to reach a little more.

Thought provoking.

It's funny how respect is something most people shout about, some great gift or attribute claiming they own, yet how little people there are who actually know what it is. This generation is so blind to the concept of respect. You are blind. Works are worth nothing. There aren't even enough good things about you to count on one hand, you need to do some soul searching and get your head back to normal size, your heart is cold and shrewd and your stare is piercing and black. I don't want you to feel this way and you have certainly been mislead.
Somewhere, somehow, along the way.

"Trouves-moi encore, mais certainement encore."

New.

I am restored to a more whole, new being now.
God is working. He is fixing the cracks in my spirit one by one.
And it feels so good.

I'm not tied to anyone and it feels amazing..

Also, I might have a JOB at my cousins' chiropractic/health center type thing!:D being a doctor's aid, doing filing, etc
I love having family members with amazing connections
yesss
finally making MONEY! And sooo enjoying myself while doing it
I hope this will be as wonderful as it seems right now

I could just do without a few things
but I'm going to turn my heart over to the softer side of things.

AMAZING!

Today at youth I had a prayer session with Rebeckah and Tanya, and we were assigned to pray about the problems WCF was having, i.e. financial issues, marriage troubles, sick people etc. Rebeckah had a wonderful prayer for the sick, she was so inspired by the spirit to say the right words under God and I was very impressed with her prayers. Tanya prayed about the financial troubles and was also extremely good at expressing what the spirit put in her heart. I've always loved group prayer because it brings out the Holy Spirit in my soul a hundred times better than what I can do on my own. When Tanya was praying I was focusing on figuring out what I was going to pray about, the breaking marriages in the church. When my time came to lead prayer I started lifting up the problems to God and suddenly it felt like my tongue couldn't stop speaking and rolling and my heart was beating so fast and i felt like I was being lifted up somewhere. My mouth felt like something was controlling it and I loved every minute of it, the Spirit felt so real and present in my body it had taken over my speech almost! I was very nearly speaking in tongues, which was amazing because I hadn't felt the need to really do so in almost a year. It was so refreshing, so uplifing I didn't want to stop. I wanted to let out my spiritual groaning language but I figured I should just keep speaking English so Tanya and Rebeckah would continue to hear my prayers and support what I was saying, for if I spoke in tongues what would happen? I dunno, i'll probably just do it next time. It was a HUGE blessing. I'm so glad it happened. I really want more of those group prayers because I feel like I super benefitted off that experience. I want more holy spirit :)

YAY!

Also , the sermon tonight was pretty decent. I felt like I sort of learned something for once. Tonight was full of surprises, burdens, smiles and teachings. Lots of lessons. I'm glad I am who I am and not some other person. I gotta learn to keep my pride down. I wanna defeat the devil in me and release the LORD who is at work in my soul and life. I need to deny my sin to the point of blood!

ERgh!
I will win this war with God on my side

EPIC

"How in the blazes did you get off that island?"

"When you marooned me on that god forsaken spit of land, you forgot one very important thing, mate: I'm Captain Jack Sparrow."

Pirate vision

I'd live a life like this for the rest of eternity if I could

We'll rise in mutiny!





Long live Captain Jack Sparrow, Halloween 2009
if only I could dress like you every day..
(even though my hat was in the van and my pirate
shirts and vest were off by then it was past midnight..) still love it so much

HUH?

What the crap just happened?
Why did you do that..? I'm so appalled and disgusted and turned off all at once.

Something was going on, something was the cause of whatever that was.

Youre so pitiful!

I wonder if you'll have a good excuse or explanation about this in the morning

or if you feel like talking to me later.. probably not

you can go chase other scumbag girls
I aint one of them
and you're not ever layin a grimy hand on me again

-
paranormal activity is SO SKETCHY.
I'm a little antsy,
but the authority of Christ is expressed in me. tough luck, fear.

Ive got a lot to pray about
this is good
this is all coming together.

Thanks for the talk, from both of you, it was great, and cheered me up. I hope you still don't think I'm a dweeb, i am such a social klutz, but thanks for your friendship anyways, I appreciate it so much

What Cannot Be Found

So stay where you are.

And hold what you love.

And feel what you want.

And know all the while,



Don't hurt 'till it's done.

I thought about fire in the sky

I thought about, fire
I thought about love burning in your eyes,
I thought about, fire

I thought about a burning fire
I thought about your heart's desire
I thought about a burning fire
I thought about a burning fire

I thought about your love.

I'll turn this all around.

I miss everything from the past.
All of its clear blessings.
All of my strength and faith and the joys it was giving me.
The fruit of the spirit being worked in me daily.
It was all so effortless.
I want it back.
I'm gonna get it back.
I'm leaving behind everything I have loved from when I fell till now
and I will return to You
Empty handed, without a path before me or a plan in mind
Nothing will go this way anymore
It'll all be as good as it was before

I'm gonna turn this all around

Tucked away where they won't care to look.

Such a statement describes my position for most of the evening. The party brought me joy and amusement for some parts but mostly made me feel really out of place and depressed. I don't want to talk about nudes nor have I ever taken a naked photo of myself, I don't have anything to contribute about having sex with people because I have never had sex with anyone, I will not talk about how many people have tried to kiss me because I can count the number of times thats happened on one hand, possibly less. Its not right. The wickedness overtook me and several times and I just felt like leaving without them noticing, just running down the street to a place where I knew all my rightful friends were, even though they were a 10 minute drive away, and I had nothing but my own feet for transportation. You of all people made me feel more comfortable, more at ease, more bubbly and playful; while the rest of you only seemed to draw me further into myself. For a while you were hurting me but then it just made me realise how foolish I've been for the past while. You? Really? Not even going to go there... ugh.. I think the night was quite helpful in teaching me what I need to change, and helping me realize exactly what the crap I've been doing and how stupid it's been. I got really hurt but then I got over it, I think, maybe
slowly
I'm in the process of getting over you

by the grace of God I will accomplish such a thing.

I need this.

GOD GOD GOD GOD

Ive stopped mentioning him from my life for so long
its not fair
nothing in my life is fruitful anymore now that I've stopped proclaiming the name of Christ and his works in my life.
I've cared about the world for a long time now. This blows.
I need to read the word again and I need to pray and repent and get reinstalled in the body before I slip too far away. I'm already disensitized to a lot of stuff, and I've started minimally swearing again, only words like hell or damn but i'm so upset, I've backslidden, ugh ugh ugh


And its funny how NO ONE cares about where I'm at in life.
no one chases me down, asking if I'm upset, and why.
no one calls me when they feel like I'm sad.
no one does anything, they don't care, cause i'm, what? Weird? Unapproachable? How? I'm nice to everyone, the least you can do is offer your help to me when I so clearly would like some.

too much whining
the kingdom of heaven is at hand
and I must accept it

I'm out of your life now
I'm peacin, and I aint comin back

now that I know what you are. tonight was plenty.

An elephant never forgets.

Interestingly enough, when I was about two years old, my favourite creature of the animal kingdom was the elephant. Nothing gave me more thrill and excitement when I watched disney movies as a little kid and seeing the elephant army from Jungle Book patrol across the jungle and piss off Bagheera. It was unreal, how much my mind would explode in magic and wonder of these amazing beasts. I remember the days my mom and dad took me to the Detroit Zoo when I was four years old and I saw the elephant footprints painted on the ground and I followed them with such excitement...and when I saw them, babies and mothers and fathers in their hangout spot, all eating grass and holding each other's tails, I had never felt so fascinated and caught up in the whirlwind of creation's most magnificent gentle beasts. I was shocked and in fear, but also in love with these big things. All my life I'd had a soft spot for them. Elephant stuffed animals and posters and movies were my favourite. Everything about them seemed so precious, so unique, so human like. It was a heart breaking beauty about them. I then learned they actually have the ability to cry, unlike all land creatures besides humans. Literal tears form in their eyes and fall down their wrinkly gray cheeks if a herd member is injured or is killed by a predator. They gather around in a circle facing the lost child, or mother, or brother, and hold a sort of elephant funeral service. And they cry. And for that I believe I'll always love elephants for their pure and precious nature that is just so captivating to me... and their memories are perfect, always sharp and never forgetting a face or smell or encounter with anyone. I liked that cause I have a similar memory...

I don't know why I wrote this, just felt like it I guess

Oh, Brother, I'm far away from everything good

If its not too much to ask

I think I'm ready to come back now

You probably have a stern lecture for me, a big season of disciplining is now in full force, I can feel it, I think.

Its all a big lesson.

Does that mean you chastize me? (Hebrews 12:6) Is it really a lesson of love rather than hate? Do you completely not like me anymore? Do you look down in shame on me? Am I off the book? Am I gone from your mind of loved ones? Please tell me you're still there and willing to get me back to the top of the mountain where I was before. Bring me back to the level of faith that I long to have again.

I don't want to know that I'm no longer a daughter but I'm afraid that is the current truth.

Everything feels so wrong. I have grown weary, I have grown so weak.

I have never resisted to the point of blood. This shames me beyond anything. Why! The fire has been put out and its all my fault. You were right all along, and I knew it, but I purposely chose to go the other way. Even your Word seems foreign now. What a bad season! I'm ruined. I'm gone. I have been living halfway and no way. I lost everything I had built in you. Help me and have mercy on me because I can't believe right now that you love me. I can't believe that your grace will take me back now. I can't believe it when all I've done was spit forgiveness in the face and throw away redemption and repentance to the wind. I'm done for, Lord take me back because there's no way I can do this on my own. There needs to be a revival and I have to come back to you, my heart feels so heavy.

And all I tried to do,
was see the best in you

Look where its gotten me.

Thats it?

I tell you my limits, finally.
Not even, actually, I hardly said anything that I've been meaning to say. It was a small overview of my deepest emotions and concerns of us. And you're gone now. I know you didn't want to hear that, I've known that for a while, but I didn't think you'd be this much of a jerk about it.

My heart is breaking over a nobody.

God save my soul, I'm becoming a sellout.

"It is exactly because you think you are not ready, that you are ready."

Everything has changed.

I met you in a firm stare, an unmoving stance in the ground that held me upright. You were the new glance before my eyes, and I was not intrigued at the beginning. You tried to make me come forward with your sneaking words and playful smiles, and I had none of it. Friendship was something I treasured, lust was abhorred.

I stayed this way for a while, and you drifted. Sometimes returning. Always dismissed. I had bigger things to keep me held high with my head beaming with sunshine and heart in the clouds. They still are, technically, but after a while things started to change. You became quite appealing to me, as I let myself succumb to you, knowing full well the consequences, even though nothing had happened yet. We became the pair of my dreams and you made me feel alive in love, the kind of love one sees with their eyes and feels in their stomach, but not the full kind of Love I had always perservered before. Within months we had a relationship that was the kind I normally detested and strayed from. But I was hooked, you had caught me in your net and I was a fish trying to get away, but at the same time, wanting to come ever closer.

My feet were on the move at this point. I had removed myself from my patch of sunlight and wandered into the shade. You knew all the right words to entice me and lead me to your pleasures and desires. Instant gratification was something we both knew well together. I hadn't allowed you to carry out your ways the first time, but the second time when I felt your lips on mine I knew it was over. I couldn't pull away, if I had an ounce of strength or back bone in me, I would've left you long ago, you knew where I stood but I broke myself down for you. A broken heart has always lead me to rash decisions and trying to fill empty holes. I thought you could replace the patch in my heart but I knew you would only be a breeze flowing through the hole, never landing, never building a foundation to last.

And then I remembered how you made your way here and how we touched and I knew my streak was over and I'd never be able to take it back. I couldn't recover my innocence that I'd slowly been rebuilding over the years. It's my fault. I led you in, you led me in, I am lost and need to be found. Its my fault. I've failed You. Everything hurts me. Everything kills me. Why couldn't I have been wiser? Why did I have to give in? I was doing so well. I was on the honour roll. I had such a bright life with an amazing amount of blessings and I've ruined everything. All because of you. Dammit, I shouldn't have faltered over you. You aren't worth it, I'm plenty aware, but why can't I pull away?

This blows so hard.

Autumn days spark a writing movement

Off in the night while you live it up, I'm off to sleep

You know that I could use somebody

You know that I could use somebody


Someone like you,

& All you know

And how you speak.


Sometimes I think of how I only talk to you because you keep me feeling loved. You give me the company and comfort I crave. But its not complete. Its not pure. You're after my body and not my heart. Though I can't seem to pull away. Its all abuse, really, even though it comes off as a simple feeling, simple retaliations, its hurting me. You need to go away and I need to forget all about you. I'm sorry I put myself in this one.

Family is over and the house is full of food and smiles and I take the time to say thanks for eveyrone I've met and loved in the past, and will continue to love in the future, and all I love now. There's a lot to love.

The wind broke loose of its chains and flew through me.

Such a cold, filling air, reminding me of old flash memories and warm feelings and bright views of the world.

Thank You,

weekend trends

spent the night in amherstburg again
i love it there
so much to do in the glory of nature
how could i be so close to God in the city?

sunsets are more hi def than any tv could ever muster
more fields and wind and sun and a fresher air than you could ever recreate anywhere else

spent lots of good time with my cousins and blasted club music on a tank stereo through the house when the parents were gone

so amazing

disney movies never fail

everytime i watch pirates of the caribbean, i dream of living a life like jack sparrow
i think im going to be him for halloween
i love his dialect and twitches, its the greatest thing ever

i always want to be a pirate after watching that movie
ahg

i wish every weekend could be that good
golf carting, laughing, laptopping, movie watching,
inglourious basterds was pretty interesting minus a few stupid parts
i love my family so much

being serbian orthodox is such a blessing here
why do i always screw everything up for me..? i'm wasting so much time,
never developing
always falling behind
never putting important things first

i forget you

enough ranting and uninteresting topics to the public at large

ill never be able to do what everyone else feels like doing

my mind is too different

ill never be like you

also

writers craft has so far made way for a few new writing pieces ive created, some are pretty itneresting, ill probably post them sooner or later

i'm sorry

i haven't sought you
at all
lately

i'll be back
somehow something will stir

it'll bring the fresh spirit back

i just don't know when

or how

but i'll leave that up to you

everyone is better than me.

the new blood

reading new oh, sleeper lyrics
the album is awaiting my ears
but the music hasn't touched me
as deep as the words did
theres a new urge now
an urge to seek and lose the skin of a coward i've worn for so long

i've let my sleeping strength lie dormant
now is the time to fight for a kingdom who answers to no one
i'll storm through my own miniscule weak problems first
then the war of ages commences

send me all of hell and i'll face them!
i'll face them one on one thousand and yell
Is there no one else! Is there no one else left!

today

a friend of mine with wise encouraging words
told me not to sell out because i was too good for that

i told him i wouldn't sell out because God was too good for that

captivation

you speak the wind through me
the most beautiful voice
i have ever heard
though there are no words
i see you everywhere
in the trees
in the clouds
in the skies
in the birds
in smiles and hugs
youre there
you're inspiring and uplifting
you are everything good

Do we love ourselves in the name of God?

everything you are is beautiful and real and ambient and more reliable than anything i have ever known.

i will pray for the lost ones i know because my heart breaks on their behalf and i wish to someday speak before the father to save them

i want you to come to know this lord of mine so much

i'll tell you everything

let me tell you about my GOD!

he settles in the light of dusk and sets my heart on fire

i feel so at peace like the calmest lake in the world

i feel so connected with the holy One

is this what Heaven feels like?

although no eye has seen, no ear has heard...

i will press on

i will be saved if it kills me
i will meet my maker
i will walk through the gates of heaven
the Elect
your eternal decision of people made just for your glory

i have been Elected
i mustn't let you down now

fill me with your light
take me above the sky and through the clouds to your kingdom

visuality

so i notice people tend to include graphics and photographs in their blogs to influence the reader to reading it, or making it look better or prettier, whatever

i have not gotten into this trend..hmm.. i declare an experimentation!
now to talk about something completely unsensical and idiotic and see if people will read it just because there is an appealing pictorial packaged with it

i believe that within the confines of a peanut therein lies a corresponding birds nest upon which i find no further conclusion to draw from the mailbox that takes away the despair of my little ponies all accross the world


i am going to assign myself a Success with that one. i r00l.

also,
above picture taken by my buddy david lucic. kid took this at 3am in texas. long exposure. i lurked his whole album and fell in love i wish i knew how to wreck fotoshop and make wicked shots like this ughh, and an amazing camera with all them new fangled exposure settings,

i'll learn that someday
maybe

WAT!

alright so that last post labeled my blog the correct date when i had written its first words, so that whole beginning apologetic blurb was completely unnecessary.

thats awesome!

All consuming fire

post commenced on august 21st, i was a tad late on publishing this draft, forgive the warped timing, although its likely none of my blogging minions will have even noticed or cared.

*
last night i went to youth, seemed like any other night, lots of my friends came out, it was great to see everyone after almost a week hahah. sat with deline during service and lolled at pastor mike's incredible unorginization on handling his sermon, good times, it was a good message though. good times. good laughs.

then i had a talk with rebeckah on life, faith, and situations where God was turning our lives around. well mostly hers. i discovered how much i didn't observe God at work in my life and what He does on a regular basis that affects every experience and event to come. the very path i walk on is so blurry its amazing how i haven't even bothered to ask where i'm going or for any guidance, yet her faith amazed me beyond belief. it was really something to look up to. her words proved to be a huge light to me and it really blessed my heart and mind and i'm still affected by it. it exposed my laziness and lack of perserverance in the Lord lately and how i really don't care about him at all anymore. i used to be so close, so strong in Christ and have drifted from the narrow road. what is this caused by? wrong friends? television? godless media ive been watching?
undoubtedly it is all because of me, falling into sin and well hidden temptation. thankfully the Spirit who dwells within me still whispers the still small voice to my heart whenever i succumb to these kinds of things, i havent shut it out completely, thank you Grace. i still have hope left. i still have room to turn around.

you're listening even now
at a time of spiritual neutrality and weakness

i am drawing near

Death is the road to awe

i returned from my trip to grand bend this afternoon, after my dad picked me up from Macey's in the lovely, historical rural town of Harrow, Ontario. there was a hoop in my nose that my father winced at (even though he knew about it and so did mama, they thought i would get a stud and not a piece of jewlery that made me look like "an african tribal person") , i had a wicked tan, dirty hair and itchy feet. the ride home was lovely. corn fields and concession roads put a new peace in me that i can't find in my city home. city kid. i've always been one of those. it runs in my blood. the smog, the constant traffic noises, convenience in a surplus, and so on. anyways. coming home reflecting on the past week. Grand Bended it with a few of my good/best friends. Macey, Lauren, Raoul, Clay, Brandon and Joshy. real good times were had. always laughs bouncin off the walls in that cottage. beached it quite a bit, i'm so dark now, didn't think it would happen this way, it was only two days that i was outside all day, at our little ipperwash beach, with our specific spot on the sand where we put our towels and stuff, our area of the water where we frolicked and played chicken. our never-fulfilled bets of brandon crossing over the Indian border of the beach, where the reserve was. raoul always telling brandon to shut up or insult him with crude mental disabilities as insults and keeping each other up crying laughing and causing the rest of us to join them until 1 in the morning and waking up macey's parents. clay doing a tribal dance in the morning while making breakfast while wearing an apron. me being socially inept and reading all the books on the shelf in the cottage while eveyrone went out night shopping at the Strip.

it was definitely a time for mulling over thoughts in my head that needed to be mulled over, evaluated, resolved and released. however the release may prove to be harder for me. i always dwell. i always regret.

anyways drew to about a thousand authentic and amazing conclusions this week and i'm so thankful for the grace i received to do so.
1. i'm finally over you, thank God. you were just a waste of time and not a wise decision to nearly lend you my heart. thannkkk God, again. he helped me see through this one.
2. the two cultures and identities of my life and how much i delight in their unison, however rarely it happens, may prove to be prophetic in regards to my future and what i may be apart of in this life, in my generation, my world.
3. i'm caring about money, but never loving it more than i should. paying more attention to crucial things in life, like feeding the hungry and clothing the naked. though i severely lack the will or empathy to stand up and fulfill these things set out to me in the Word, i will seek and pray on this and find out what i'm destined to do about fulfilling these scriptures that convict my heart to the greatest shame its felt in a while.

i always lie awake sometimes and think about all the things i DONT do for God.
the things i'm supposed to, no one in this western world seems to care about anything they should, i just wonder, should i bother? is it in my path? is it my destiny? am i oto young? i don't make any money i don't even have a bank account, how can i change the world? how can i make a difference to a starving child?
sometimes i find i don't even care about a starving child. deep down i know it's obviously wrong and heartbreaking but i can't seem to bring that feeling up to my heart and let the thoughts turn into action and deed.

anyways. the past week i've been spending time with God and i didn't even know it. thoughts were unfolded to me and the pleasant surprises never cease to amaze me, sometimes i can't pick apart which are my thoughts and which are His, but you know, i think the wholly good ones are from a wholly good Being. which isn't me.

it feels good not to be bound to you any longer.

anyways.. i think my walk with God lacks a lot..well i KNOW it does..and i'm never doing enough to change it for the better...i have to sek, i'm running out of free time..

there are so many times to stop and pick apart what's really going on here

i'll put an artical that describes me head to foot here sometime

maybe everyone will understand just exactly what i'm like and how i feel and how i think and consider some things in life.. but never fully, no, they wont know..

going back to my topic of grand bend, we played uno all week, it was the main game to play, also watched some good movies, ps i love you which ihadn't seen before, the happening which apparently sucked. baby mama was good. pretty funny. joshy plays the most amazing music on guitar, i think he's my new favourite acoustic musician, i could have sat there and listened to him all day, me and lauren would stop talking and tune in whenever he picked up brandon's guitar, it was so lovely. walking down our street to Ipperwash beach. smelled like crap at the top of the hill but then went away. grand bend was amazing, the beach there reminded me of Florida, nearly white sand, hoardes of people and giant waves begging to be jumped and frolicked through, which we all happily obliged to doing. i got so brown that day, it was marvelous. shopping on the strip, getting my nose pierced, quite painful, macey came with me, she was more nervous than i was, however the pain was unreal, but i tanked it out, came out with "hardware" as she called it, felt woozy but i guess its cool. now the rents want me to replace it with a stud, they hate the hoop, we're inquiring around town soon, before any family gatherings come up, hahaha. hopefully it can be done, and i don't have to take it out for good, all that money and pain down the drain, no good.

oh well. the experience is there.

death cab's "Transatlantacism" has been on for the past couple hours and its been lulling me to sleep ever since, its a wonder i haven't passsed out right here, its high time i start packing it in, but we have room for one more thought process to flow out into the interwebs.

i have so much regret in me how do i get rid of it all...? am i supposed to regret past decisions in my life as a Christian? would Jesus smile upon me regretting my sins? ive heard many sides to this, some like"well everything youve done has led you to who you are now" which is true but i still wish i hadn't done a horrible sin against God...oh well..i'll get it straight one day. one day. just seek. oh God i'm praying for you to help me through this school year, the stress will be more ominous than any ther high school year and its almost here, help me through it,
i need to focus on you,
my lack of faithfulness has gone on too long,
i'm taking a step out of the boat.


good night land of people, keep your dreams by your side and your God in your heart and the truth in your head. never be led astray.

the world is our ____

IF ONLY I COULD DESCRIBE!!!!

every time an About Me box comes before me i end up changing it and pondering abot it four hundred times without being satisfied with the result for long.

my mind is truly a gift.
i've been set apart,
it reaches past so many boundaries that everyone else would never dream of thinking about, even if they don't realise it.

my dreams are reality to me and reality is a dream

the world i escape to so often in my mind is a place that i believe exists and the laws and concepts there are fully real. dimensions. realms. colours. abilities, lights, God is there and he knows that i dream of so much more than the normal human being.

the vision is astounding

if i took a look through your mind, what would i find?

would you bother to care about the complexities and REALness of life?
would you stop and wonder what was REALLY going on?
what was REALLY the motive behind a situation or the slightest glance or twitch?

the short phrases and misleading words are clear as day to me

people are my favourite books.

they are so much fun to analyze, determine, mull over, bend, shape, predict, envision, to evaluate their dna from their facial structure to their fingers to their heels and their special dialect that they can call their own

everything is wonderfully fascinating when you put your mind to it

although this is something that, as much as i'd like to share it, i wouldn't want anyone else to have the gift i have

i love to forsee the future in ways that i "invent" in my mind and just THINK about the things that no one else would bother thinking about.

the complexities of the universe are too mesmerising for me to dismiss as something beyond my comprehension

i love it all, i can't wait to go on an exploration through the stars with my God someday
i'll say i've seen something like this! he'll agree, it'll be a grand time

i probably sound insane or really drugged up
but i'm not

i may be a hippie with my words
but its all real
its happening, i am alive up here, my heart and my mind are pushing past the boundaries of the universe as far as they can go

even if it isn't far, for us, it is

God has given me such a wonderful gift!

thank You for giving me the sight to see things that everyone else misses or skims over on their walk through life

i appreciate this more than anyone knows

this is why i love being alone
my thoughts are such an adventure
i can do whateer i want and not need anyone by my side

such a thrill to be alone
just me and my Creator
my Spirit resounding words i cannot utter within me
orchestrating music i cannot sing or compose
emitting such a light that is too bright to see
creating a noise that is too loud to hear

its beautiful
your work is mighty and i won't understand everything until i meet you

and i love where you've taken me


maybe i'm really a prophet after all, do they all have visions that seem out of this world?

they probably are anyway

dang you

im so upset that ive let my heart drink you in like a glass of red wine

you're killing the views i know i should hold true to

either way i know you'll come out of this alive and somehow he'll make you his

but you're not the one for me and if you were something would have happened by now
you hold the attributes i once thought were strong in a man and now i see they're weak and will lead to your demise

you're just like me! my old me! its you, its me, this is his way of showing me you're in a rut no matter how much you don't like hearing it

although i appreciate your curiosity of the divine more than you know! keep questioning! keep grilling the toughest christians you know, it will sharpen you, it sharpens us too.

believe me this is not a bad decision
we're here and we love YOU for who YOU are
just like he does
its good, he's good, turn to him, it will be the one thing that saves you in this life.

thats legit.

BRING THE FIRE OUT

i know a revival is happening!

its been stirring within me for a while
not sure how long
but i've been of my path with God for a little bit before the summer and during the summer and i've been trying to turn to Him through everything and its paying off and i have every reason to celebrate!

You just make me want to sit and gaze at creation for hours!

just feeling you in the air gives me the warmth ive come to love so much
it covers me head to toe
im convinced its your love!


i know it is
these are the moments where i feel so driven by purpose and meaning

i just wish i could lose all these needs that bring me down

you're the sky and anchor of my being

ah, the pain

of gums, and such, as well as boys.
well one.
yeahh that one, i knew what i was getting into, i could see everything that was going to happen but i did it anyway, well you're living in my mind now what can i do, i've done it to myself

but the thing is you're always here
and i've chased down gold and silver and love and lust
upon the face of the earth and all of its wonders
nothing
compares
to
You

Glorious

the pain life has hit hard within the past 3 moons or so
wisdom teeth came out on monday and the actual surg went well but as for the pain, well if my teeth were wise theyd let me off the hook by now, the other night i woke up crying, heish man, four holes in my gums can't look too good right about now
now there are strings hanging suspended in my mouth and i'd like to just take them but but that wouldn't be the best call

real dialogue today in coney island in a rad mall in michigan for lunch:
mom: "so hows your pita?"
me: "well i'm trying to distinguish between the lettuce and my stitches"

excellent.

LIBERALLY INDENTINGGG


britni and macey made me jello today for youth tomorrow, HURRAH, orange gelatin goodness can't wait fo it. yeauh

anyways this week besides the ominous pain in my mouth and having to walk around with frozen green bean package on my cheeks (by tomorrow i should hope to end this ritual, my family thinks i'm pitiful, i must regain my post on the totem pole of respect in this house!) , everything is looking up as usual and i am taking the time to reflect on life in general.
today went shopping in the states with mom and ma soeur. went well. did some damage. although not really, however, did get some gnarly tank tops, a rad bra with the coolest colours on it, white blue and pinkish stripes, how patriotic. umm or not .. erhh.. yeah anyways, shopping was coo, i was a bit miserable because my sister cleaned up better than i did, and my mouth was reallll soresies, so i couldnt yell as much as i would have liked, but i dealeded. maybe tomorrow we'll hit up winners. mom offered to go to toronto to shop tomorrow and i didnt wanna cause i wanted to go to youth..maybe i should have taken that offer..ohwell she'll go back again next friday cause she's off ... no more worrying for me..

so yes

TOMORROW, i may begin packing, begin getting stokdededed, and then youth later in the night wiff macey britni and this time hasko is joining teh parteh, oh boii... i wish wcf youth were more legit than it is.. it can get so weird and culty sometimes...for real...parkwood is so much better...a whole lot more of JESUS goin on there than wcf... by faarr. i wish more people would realise this.

then saturday going to macey's with rebeckahhhhh i believe, i really hope naomi comes too, that would be awesometastic. sleepin over der, then, church at wcf (yay-_-) then GRAND BENND til thursday , whats with these teens getting plastered on beaches ??, don't they know they're live bait for being rape victims of other beachgoers.. jezzzzz

what a wonderful lifeeee
all i need now is to rid myself of the stitches in my bouche
and everything else will be so much finnnerr

newclothes = new hop in my step
although i already walk with a bounce
so this may
just
make
everything
better


unorthodox spacing, its a weird, informal night for this noob writer.
coo.

misunderstanding

there is a great yearning to draw closer to my God
yet theres been so much bombarding me constantly that i turn to instead of You
meaningless, everything, all these things are meaningless
not one is more worthy of my time than You
i let these thoughts sink in, penetrate me to the bone and depths of my soul
but it doesn't seem to make a difference
i am drowning in my own ocean that i have jumped into at my will
Grace, i am so undeserving
you're there, you care
but how could you give a forty-third, or maybe two hundred and-seventh chance to a lonely, desolate girl so desperately trying to repent and release from the sins of her life
for these wounds remain deep and i know the error of my ways
but i can't let go of the world thats pulling me in
down, down into the pit, the smooth rolling path to darkness
and i succumb
"Delight in Giving! do not Give grudgingly or out of necessity, but out of the joy of your heart and the love of God manifested in you, and what you give out, you will recieve back the same measure!"
the simplest words, the hardest actions to carry out.
i act in anger and callousness to the ones i love most.
i just harshly the ones i don't know at all and the ones closest to me.
do i ever go without judging anyone?
i love so deeply when i do love, and now it seems to lead to my demise
i love the ones who are wrong for me
the ones who have dragged me to this empty state


haven't i heard the words before? haven't i been taught the way out?
haven't i grown up in the house of my Father where all my life's guidelines were laid before me with lovingkindness and vision for the future?
when will i learn?

i feel like you're so far away and i'm here stuck in this wretched state of mind and spirit.

the narrow road seems to small for me to enter
or maybe its because im trying to squeeze the bags of rubbish i'm carrying through it at the same time.

the act of letting go

help loose the vices, help cure my diseases
this seems too much, i fail unceasingly
there seems to be no hope for me
although i know you're on my mind all the time
i continue to hear words of wisdom from others, even though they're not directed at me
all i need are signs
all i need is to know you're going to get me through this
i'm holding you to it
you can't let go, it will be the end of me.

sin is the anchor holding me down

isn't there an easier way out than this?

this must be why you said, "few will find it."
well i'm going to press in
and i'll find that gate to the smallest path
the quiet way that the world looks over and never notices
and when i do i hope you help me through
all i want is to see your kingdom
many are called but few are chosen
i was chosen before i was born,
but as ive learned,
birthrights can be sold. for meaningless treasures.

tell me i haven't made the deal, tell me my soul is still recorded in your book
i need life after this
i need joy and unspeakable relief and love for eternity, not unfathomable pain and torment and blasphemy forever

tell me it's not too late

clean me up, show me how to live

take me out of this dreadful ocean of apathy and despair
the willingnses to let go is something i need now more than ever


my heart feels far from yours
take notice of my feeble hands
hold them, hold me close, lead the way, carry me Grace, across the ocean of doubt and despair.

i'm asking for your forgiveness
for my lack of faithfulness

i'm asking
for your
forgiveness

such a lack of faithfulness

rock bottom feels too apathetic
where do i go

only you know the thoughts in my head and can speak to me the perfect words i need to hear
work your glorious ways and show me i'm not alone
tell me there's something after this trial
what is this trial anyways?
am i complaining about something that's not there?
or should i be concerned?
to regret, or not regret?
choices have lead me to this point, but what if certain things i've done i wish i could take back?
is it wrong?

you know me inside out
now please, take these prayers from a lonely, apathetic, graceless girl,
who needs love, who wants love, who wants to show compassion and hope and joy and giving and mercy wherever needed.
the spirit must manifest in me at some point.
in due time
you circle the sky and wait for the greatest moment to set in

i hardly know the thoughts in my own head
i hope some are Yours

thank you for paying attention

when i feel no one else does.

when i feel like no one cares,
you look down on me and smile.

all i need
is a little

perserverance

the Return

WELL HELLO! I haven't written honestly in like 6 months I think... how terrible of an aspiring writer! ahah, well school is finally done, I have my last exam on Monday for Law, which should be sort of easy? I hope, I showed my last two exams who was boss so I'm feelin pretty good :)

Anyways, a recap of my life as quickly as possible, Carrousel of the Nations has taken its annual reign in Windsor, and the Greek Village beckons me !

These past few months have been very, very wonderful and enlightening. I've met a number of awesome new friends in Him who have helped me grow and sharpen myself to be more and more the woman of God I am striving to be. Many experiences and outings have passed that I'll never forget and I've had a great year so far. My life is presently being richly blessed and I am so thankful for this, I seem to always be happy about something and something good is always in store for the future. There is so much to look forward to!

I've just finished grade 11 and am looking forward to the summer, where new things will take place that will continue to shape me into the person I am supposed to be. Long talks, walks, or even just a ridiculous group of people at a show having the time of our lives dancing and throwing down and not caring about being insecure, we are just living, we are so alive. (i.e. Revamp '09 was a fantastic day, beginning to end! Best 9 hours of the whole year :) ). I am conquering fears and old bad habits and this is bringing about such a sense of refreshment and revival in my soul it feels like my feet won't touch the ground.

Now that the summer is basically upon me, I will have to pray on a number of things so I can get some productive and important things done during the next couple of months. Learning to drive on the road, drivers ed, G2, getting preferably a 90+ in English in summer school, going to some fun shows, getting a JOB, money, picking up my guitar and learning some more tunes and jams, and so on... I really hope I won't be distracted by my ipod or the computer as I have been for the entire last half of the school year ahah. I think I have ADD.

I'll write more later, there is much to share about my life and the things on my heart, I love everything about life at the present moment and God is good. More good than I deserve. But this too shall show me how much I need to change about myself and how to allow my spirit to be molded to His glory!

Alas, the trek to the old Greek carrousel commences...I feel like I could make a formidable dent in windsors' flaming cheese inventory

be blessed, rock on

-sof

HAVEN'T WRITTEN IN SEW LONG

aahJGHKJFHG! SO! Exams are over and I am done MATH, CHEMISTRY and BIOLOGY for the REST OF MY LIFE!!!! Sooooo good! Very stoked about that. Very much indeed.

Anyways, a lot's been going on, an extreme amount of spiritual growth and renewing...lovin' that...my aunt has been down the whole month and it's been awesome hanging out with her and learning about her life and career, selling gold/oil/diamonds all over the world, and also finding out about all these top secret government stuff that no one else knows!! muauahah, its really cool though for real, I'm lovin that.

As well, lots of new people are comin into my life, meeting them at youth groups or local shows or Facebook (God bless it), overall just a ton of sick new kids I can call my friends :)!

The other day my aunt and cousin took me to the University of Windsor after my math exam (last one:D) and I hung out there for the afternoon to see what it was like and all that groovy goodness. I hung out in the keyboard room in the Music building and loved it, sooo many nice Yamaha's to jam on for hours on end! Of course we were only there for about twenty minutes before we moved on. I toured the business building, student centre, some other buildings, and the ART building was my favourite. THE ENTIRE TIME I felt God tugging my heart as I was walking around the university (namely the Art building which is off campus by about 3 minutes of walking and right next to a mcdonalds=perfect for late night dinners!), before then I had always worried about university because it sounded so daunting and unneseccary for my life, but now I know that God wants me at the U of Windsor for some reason, because I just KNOW in my heart that my life will be forever changed there. He has blessed LIL OL ME with a BRAIN that apparently astounds my entire family, I think its normal, but my intelligence shocks my parents and my mother cries when she tells people about it. Which is weird for me to talk about, but nonetheless, I must take my talents and MULTIPLY them for the world to see, so that one day, I may hear the phrase "Well done, thou GOOD and FAITHFUL servant!"

Apart from the excitement and peace and joy I experienced upon my first day at the university, I am hoping and praying to be able to attend a Womens Encounter Weekend held at Windsor Christian Fellowship, the newest church I am attending for Youth Group purposes every friday for food, chillage and JESUS TIME! It is $80 which is pretty hefty for me seeing as I am working towards a nice iTouch or possibly Camera of my own (everyone has their own camera in my family but me--my little brother has 3!!), so that could be an issue, but if Gods will is for me to be in attendance then all will work out! Then comes the problem of my PARENTS allowing me to go! Which I will not explain the circumstances in Blog formation because that would take too much time and I am a tired panda.

Tonight me, Tom, Nicole, Kendall, Brooklyn and Ryan Fields all had a nice bonding session as we talked about hugs, gay people, piercings, music and everything in between, it was really enjoyable, tonight was a good night for me for I was in need of SERIOUS hope and redemption filled LOVE from God! I was hit with some hard truths before I went out tonight, I am a COMPULSIVE LIAR to my parents and it NEEDS to come to an end, I will tear out my own eyes before I am told to go to Hell. This is a TURNING POINT in my life and I feel that within the next month I will be transformed SPIRIT to BODY in my life and mindset.

and, never ask me to play fooseball, EVER! Here is a sample dialogue of the situation between me and Tom Malone (he was his own one-man team, me and Kendall on the other):
Sofia *loses point*: "Ohhhh no ya don't! I'm not givin up just yet! I have scored on myself ONE TOO MANY TIMES!"
Tom: "Ahahah what did you just say?! Yeah prolly, you'd be LAST to be picked on a team, Sofia!"
Sofia: "yeah I wouldn't be picked at all...everyone would just move on...GUYS? GUYSSS? Thats okay, I'll scorekeep!"
Tom: "Hhahaha even then you might screw that up!"
Sofia: "hahahah prolly, AWWW PLUS FIVE?"
Tom: DANG IT I lost my point, Justin's getting good at this, Sofia I think you're messing things up by being scorekeep!"
Sofia: "ahah maybe, it must be my energy..around his table...causing everyone to lose!"
Tom: "LOL"


yeah, sorry, longest blog ever. it was well overdue.
i'll be writing again soon and more often, I have the EASIEST semester EVER now so I'll have plenty of homework-less time to waste! :)

be faithful and GOD BLESS YOU!

-sof

Rightfully made and designed

learning about myself and the woman I was created to be is currently my favourite thing in life. now that I am growing at an unprecendented right by the day it truly is fascinating to see more pieces of the puzzle being put together. not that I can actually see them, for the most part. I can only see a few vague pieces here and there, but what's thrilling is that sometimes I can just feel them being placed together, skillfully and gracefully by the highest power in all the universe.

my life continues to be fruitful and my blessings are multiplied by the day, whether I realise it or not. one of which consists of my family. All my mother's sisters and younger brother are all so enlightened and driven by God in their lives, it's amazing, and it took me 16 years to fully understand and appreciate everything they've done for us, the neices, nephews, sons and daughters. moreover, my dearest Baba and Deda(may God bless his resting soul that I may see him again one day), have sacrificed more in their lives for my generations' sake than I think I can fully grasp.

Either way, lately I've been loving the new friends and insights I've gained, they've helped me achieve new perspectives on life in general, I love my friends so much, Deline, Clay, Simona, Karli, Josh, Chris, Dan, Rebeckah, Dave, Tom, Myles, Naomi, Julie, Jenn...awesome people. Can't live without em.

What I need is more community involvement. I'm hoping and praying to someday belong to a church where I can grow TOGETHER with members of my family in Christ, and meet the best spiritual brothers and sisters I can. The time is coming nearer, I can feel it, and in due time it'll be here, and my life will take on a thrilling start like I have never quite experienced...

Windsor is becoming more fruitful everytime I turn around. My eyes are being opened to so much hope and light shining through this city, I love it here, I really do. My hometown never really seemed this important to me before, but now Windsor holds a permanent place in my heart and I thank God for everyone I've come to know and love in the past nearly 17 years.


On a completely unrelated note,
I've been addicted to a few bands lately, namely As Cities Burn, The Chariot and Two Tongues. A fairly varied combination of bands haha, but they're all really really sick. Meaningful, soulful, heavy, thrashy, pretty much every awesome definition you can use to describe a cool band I'd use here.

So I'm learning the meaning of grace....slowly but surely...becoming stronger and wiser in my faith, and living up to the meaning behind my name, it's truly amazing.

-sof

Estrogen Fueled Rampage

uncontrollable jealousy is the worst thing I possess at the moment.

I don't want it.

I hate it.

I hate feeling this horrible flame devouring my heart everytime I see this.

BUT

I do not want to be lead on to thinking a certain thing about you and find out you're treating someone else better.

Why!??!

Why does everyone always get so sick of me after a couple weeks of knowing me?

Am I too awkward? Ugly? Fat? All three I think, really, this makes me feel terrible.

I can't hold on to anyone


I love them and they leave me and they don't want me
anymore


I am so heart broken.

it is not a good first day of 2009.