I am saying NO

to everything ungodly
again
like i used to
cutting out everything
that isn't from the Lord
i don't care how old school or extreme that sounds
it's the truth
and that's the only way i can get back to purity in my life again
almost every biblical concept, story, verse is foreign to me now
church is something i never go to anymore because my family is busy a lot of the time and we haven't gone for a while for no good reason at all.
it changes now,
i'm devoting to the word and steadfast prayer again
because i have become godless lately
not so much as leaving God willingly but letting the world take over my interests too much.

i don't know anything anymore..
i need to get more involved!!!
blahh, this sucks
but i need these lessons in life
i need disciplining

oh Lord you chasten the ones you love, i just hope i'm still one of them

leave this place

depart from this world
start a crusade on my own
in my desired world of refuge
that no one else can join
they only look on
in a confused and ignorant state
i parade in a fantasy of adventure
i'm a pirate! and none of you can stop me!
the land is mine!
the sea! the wind!
off with impossibility; i win wars and battle thousands.
warrior to be reckoned with,
cunning and impeccable skills in rhetoric
they do not stand close to me
i am my own
but yet, i never was.
i live at ease with this
and continue on,
fighting
flying
smiling as the sunset swallows me up as i set forth across my noble steed;
my noble sea

my favourite place that never was,
but could someday be

I need to stop lusting after you.

Get out of my head.





please..

Plane crash dreams

Hey Mr. Common Sense,
Won't you help me break this fence
down?

Oh God, I'm sinking in
Right back into
My sins.

Holy crow

my psyche hurts.
that last post was a doozy.. the mind is for sure drained

anyways, tomorrow is gonna be really good, I'm super pumped about it.
Famjams are my favourite, especially slava's, best times ever
sent clare a picture of a pig's head we use for table centerpieces, mmm mm
needless to say, vegetarians give the most amusing reactions to that sort of thing
I love being serb, it gives me an excuse to gross out pretty much anyone non-foreign that i know :)

How i've missed you, dobrich clan <3

upsetness.

Forever wasn't something i've always wanted
i felt so rooted here, alone, content, free to do what i wanted,
then my heart set in and took me over
the world was set before me, a rich canvas of colour and materials that overtook me
all i wanted was to feel free.
all i wanted was to feel redeemed.


I've always felt like I was blessed,
in a way that I've been put high up on a faraway cliff that wasn't hidden, but no one bothered to look at because they were too concerned with fumbling about their lives upon solid ground.
I look down upon the masses and observe.
I survey the people I know and love, or at least try to love.
I see peoples' pain and their struggles and apprehend their emotions, their motives, all the milling of their minds and the staggering of their souls. They press on, they try, they give up. Some never do. Some always do. Some see the sunlight awaiting them outside the pitchblack cave of hopelessness, some refuse to accept that there is a sun at all.
I mean not to remove myself from the pain that humans suffer.
I have dealt with such great heaviness of heart and near shattering of mind that it's a wonder my soul has not shattered somewhere along my lifespan.
I bear a heavy heart most days, though I like to keep it hidden.
But yet the pain of others around me, surrounding my being, my soul, all I can do is look around and give a solemn face to those who weep. I see through to their hearts and pick out the details of their sorrows. I understand it. I hold it in my hands and stare upwards, wondering what in God's name to do with it. I have the words in my mind but no utterance to give them.

What are we all to do now, then?
I seem to have the thought that I have been so set apart that my existence is almost cosmic, galactic, transcending most souls anywhere. I must force myself to believe this cannot be the case. It's too egotistical..

Sometimes when I hurt, I get a very strange feeling. My soul feels moved outside of its regular position, from when I am in great happiness, which is a great amount of the time, praise God. But when I am upset, so down on myself and the earth around me, there is a movement inside me that cannot fully be explained, can never fully be taught or fixed. I look to the skies and ask him, how I can get over the worthless object or person or abstract situation I am so heartbroken over. I know this is a problem I must get over, but at the same time, I need to stop and reflect about the state my soul is going through. In these times I feel there is no other better remedy (that is to say, to figure out exactly what mood I'm going through) than to put these feelings down in words. Words that flow from my soul. They probably don't make sense to anyone who tries to read them. The Lord understands, and I try to get something out of my inner groanings, but in hindsight I see these "memoirs" as great and powerful facts about my thoughts.

Getting back to the topic of hurting, I've always wondered what exactly was it, that got people most upset? What was the root of inner hurt? Certain aspects of our lives trigger conflict or joy. Could we ever even explain the war raging inside us on a day to day basis? Who is fighting against whom? What was the cause of this uproar? Are we ever at peace within ourselves? Is there anything that we can learn to accept and wholly move on from? Is there such a thing as self contentedness?

As I sit on this cliff in the whole of my mind, there is sun. There is sun everywhere, it is setting, but at the same time it will always be there, never leaving enough darkness to overpower the atmosphere. There is a wind. The wind is the most serene, calming, sweet and flowing breeze that has ever graced the human visage. The sea is immense and beautiful, but it does not inspire any fear from the onlooker. The colours above in the sky are yellow and pink and orange and blue, all mixed together so beautifully that it is too perfect to describe. The presence of God is so thick and tangible, you could wrap your arms around him anywhere. Looking out is the earth, the people, with their lives hurt and broken, as they stumble around, vision blurred by an outpouring of tears and makeup and hatred and desperation. We stumble. Falter. Curse. Spit at the wind. We hobble around, trying to make it by everyday. We scream at the skies and beg for answers, demanding to know where we went wrong, commanding Him to believe none of it is our fault, it was his, or hers, or theirs. But when we begin to feel the love seep back into our souls, a thick and healing serum to our scars and holes, spreading its restorative power back to our very being, there it gives us sustenance to continue on. We press on. We perservere, we seek the end, we run the race, we do it for the ones we love, we do it for ourselves, we do it for the one who loves us more than anyone could ever even fathom.

I am not apart from these feelings of feeling like a scum-crawling wretch from my head to my feet. I know, cause my feet have the scars to show. But I observe, and I understand.

Hope prevails. Love heals. Let the outpouring of the most pain you have ever felt in your life come out, scream it, cry your eyes out. It does heal. I know. I have never felt more alive than before I felt so close to death.

priorities

they're always always always set around making everyone happy all the time
and i'm so afraid of aggrivating people or having them disagree with me,
unless i know them really well, and vice versa
i need to put a stop to that
let honesty prevail
and be true to my own heart and upbringing.


changes in the air

everything is busy.

the season.
school.
schoolwork.
extracurricular stuff.
staying active.
keeping up with my leisure reading.
keeping up with reading the Word.
keeping up with church.
keeping up with making everyone happy.
trying to keep myself happy, when all i'm feeling is deserted, empty, fake, abandoned and lost.
this time around last year, i was in my prime.
school was school, still busy, but my life with God was fruitful and constantly growing.
up until a few months ago i was good as gold.
now i'm rusty and wheezy and i've lost my way
perhaps i should pick my head up out of the past and dive deeper into what i must become in the future.
i sound like a samurai..

i don't keep up with music anymore.
downloading albums, whatever.
it's okay. i've got a lot of music i haven't tired of, and a lot of radio tunes that keep my energy levels up

but it's all not enough

only You sustain me more than these hollow pleasures of the world

i can't think like this anymore.
my worst problems that have lasted for years haven't changed.
i'm a hypocrite and an idiot for chasing after what i should never fall for

BUT
this is where HE steps in
and i'm counting on him.

my heart will come full circle.

the perserverance begins,
the revolution is now

Remember when you knew who God was?

life was paradise on its own

Perplexities

Dear self,
Why do you happen to be so different from the rest of everyone?
Why do you alienate yourself from everything deemed 'normal' in this world today?
Why do you get uncomfortable talking about a plethora of things? Or talking on phones? Or making eye contact? Or confiding in past secrets?
Are you hiding?
Are you afraid?
Are you being pressured into changing into someone you're not?
Or are you someone you're not already?
Does it feel good?
Why have you been made so set apart?
Is it all bad, or is some of it good?
Why does it always make you feel like the world hates you, and you'll never find someone who will love you, or can barely believe that God does?
How do you possess such little faith in Him, when you claim to accept everything He says as truth? How can you fail to put all your trust and faith in Him, the only Being that deserves your trust in the entire universe?
How can you treat your family like dirt when they're all you'll ever need in life? And yet you treat your friends better?

Why do I feel like utter crap about myself lately
This blows

You can't be too careful anymore.

I settled down a twisted up frown disguised as a smile well, you would have never known.
I had it all but not what I wanted, 'cause hope for me was a place uncharted and overgrown.
You can't tell me to feel!
When all that is waiting for you, won't come any closer-

You've got to reach a little more.

Thought provoking.

It's funny how respect is something most people shout about, some great gift or attribute claiming they own, yet how little people there are who actually know what it is. This generation is so blind to the concept of respect. You are blind. Works are worth nothing. There aren't even enough good things about you to count on one hand, you need to do some soul searching and get your head back to normal size, your heart is cold and shrewd and your stare is piercing and black. I don't want you to feel this way and you have certainly been mislead.
Somewhere, somehow, along the way.

"Trouves-moi encore, mais certainement encore."

New.

I am restored to a more whole, new being now.
God is working. He is fixing the cracks in my spirit one by one.
And it feels so good.

I'm not tied to anyone and it feels amazing..

Also, I might have a JOB at my cousins' chiropractic/health center type thing!:D being a doctor's aid, doing filing, etc
I love having family members with amazing connections
yesss
finally making MONEY! And sooo enjoying myself while doing it
I hope this will be as wonderful as it seems right now

I could just do without a few things
but I'm going to turn my heart over to the softer side of things.

AMAZING!

Today at youth I had a prayer session with Rebeckah and Tanya, and we were assigned to pray about the problems WCF was having, i.e. financial issues, marriage troubles, sick people etc. Rebeckah had a wonderful prayer for the sick, she was so inspired by the spirit to say the right words under God and I was very impressed with her prayers. Tanya prayed about the financial troubles and was also extremely good at expressing what the spirit put in her heart. I've always loved group prayer because it brings out the Holy Spirit in my soul a hundred times better than what I can do on my own. When Tanya was praying I was focusing on figuring out what I was going to pray about, the breaking marriages in the church. When my time came to lead prayer I started lifting up the problems to God and suddenly it felt like my tongue couldn't stop speaking and rolling and my heart was beating so fast and i felt like I was being lifted up somewhere. My mouth felt like something was controlling it and I loved every minute of it, the Spirit felt so real and present in my body it had taken over my speech almost! I was very nearly speaking in tongues, which was amazing because I hadn't felt the need to really do so in almost a year. It was so refreshing, so uplifing I didn't want to stop. I wanted to let out my spiritual groaning language but I figured I should just keep speaking English so Tanya and Rebeckah would continue to hear my prayers and support what I was saying, for if I spoke in tongues what would happen? I dunno, i'll probably just do it next time. It was a HUGE blessing. I'm so glad it happened. I really want more of those group prayers because I feel like I super benefitted off that experience. I want more holy spirit :)

YAY!

Also , the sermon tonight was pretty decent. I felt like I sort of learned something for once. Tonight was full of surprises, burdens, smiles and teachings. Lots of lessons. I'm glad I am who I am and not some other person. I gotta learn to keep my pride down. I wanna defeat the devil in me and release the LORD who is at work in my soul and life. I need to deny my sin to the point of blood!

ERgh!
I will win this war with God on my side

EPIC

"How in the blazes did you get off that island?"

"When you marooned me on that god forsaken spit of land, you forgot one very important thing, mate: I'm Captain Jack Sparrow."

Pirate vision

I'd live a life like this for the rest of eternity if I could

We'll rise in mutiny!





Long live Captain Jack Sparrow, Halloween 2009
if only I could dress like you every day..
(even though my hat was in the van and my pirate
shirts and vest were off by then it was past midnight..) still love it so much